


The End. (Adopted by Gerard and Lyn-Z Way)

by Plant_Mom_2004



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-03-05 16:51:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13392087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plant_Mom_2004/pseuds/Plant_Mom_2004
Summary: Crystal Emma, Charlie Smith, Alexandria Lin are all my OCs do not steal, most of the songs that do not have a band next to them are my original songs, do not steal them or try and warp them into your own, I take a lot of my time to write this story and I don't want it ruined for me or anyone reading it.





	1. I hate the ending myself but it started with an alright scene

“If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me, so gather round piggies and kiss this goodbye, I'd encourage your smiles I'll expect you won’t cry-” I stop singing when the door slams open, I turn and see Mandy the main caretaker.

 

“How many times do I have to tell you to get downstairs?” She says, I had just finished getting ready. I had on a tank topped MCRX shirt, ripped skinny jeans, a flannel tied around my waist as a belt, fingerless elbow gloves, and combat boots. My hair was straightened and teased, my bangs fell over my left eye making the green less noticeable behind the colour contacts. My makeup was done to hide the effects of depression, my eyeliner done perfect, my mascara making my eyes look bigger, concealer covering the dark bags under my eyes.

 

“Once, sorry ma’am” I say putting my earbuds in my pocket with a sharpie and pencil and tucking my Ipod into a desk drawer. I follow her downstairs where the other girls are and I look like trash, they are dressed in slutty clothes and caked on makeup, you know normal.

 

“Get in line, you already missed three couples” I walk into my spot , next to some of the other quiet kids, the organize us by ‘personality’. A few other couples go by then one walks in that I recognize right away, I cross my arms over my shirt but they both already saw it. They talk to Mandy and she beckons me over, we head into an empty conference room where they can read my file and talk to me until they either get bored or choose me (not possible). After a minute of them reading Gerard looks up, my social worker Charlie walks in holding what Mandy refuses to add to my file and hands it to them also. He sits next to me and I curl into his side, I know we look weird but he is like my big brother.

 

“Your name is Crystal, that’s so beautiful! Your eyes are two different colours, that’s so cool, you seem to have a lot on your mind. Well I guess we are giving you a new chance in a way?” Lyn-Z says as she reads the first page, Gerard was reading through my second page which is never with the first.

 

“You like Frank’s band but not my solo work? No fair!” I laugh a little and point at my shirt, he laughs and lets Lyn-Z read. I drum my fingers on the table to turkish march because it was stuck in my head. Charlie touches my shoulder making me look at him and he signs at me ‘What’s wrong’ I sign back ‘Anxiety’ He nods and we turn back to them as Lyn-Z finishes.

 

“Hey, you don’t have to but can I see your wrist?” I look at Gerard a little scared but put an arm out for him to pull the glove off of, I cringe at the sight of my scared and mutilated arms, Words and lines litter it in pink and white hues, words like SLUT, FAGGOT, BITCH, and WHORE.

 

“That’s worse than I thought” he says and I pull my arm back and pull my glove back on, Charlie signs at me under the table ‘you relapsed?’ I sign back ‘a while a ago’ He shakes his head a little in disappointment.

 

“Do you have any remaining questions I can answer for Crystal?” they share a look

 

“Do you do well with eight year olds?” I don’t wait for Charlie to answer before nodding my head off.

 

“We think you would make a great older sister for Bandit we are sure of it actually” Lyn-Z says before heading to the office to sign paperwork while Charlie and Gerard come with me to my room to help me pack.

 

“Can you take down my posters while I get my clothes Charlie?” he nods and starts taking out the pins holding the posters in place and putting them into a little plastic snap shut container. When they all fall down he grabs my crate of PVC pipes and rolls the posters before sliding them into one each. While he does that I grabbed a few boxes and takes my clothes in piles from my dresser and stacking them into a box until I can’t fit anymore and taping them shut.

 

“What do you want me to do?” Gerard asks I point to my bed

 

“Strip the mattress, I bought my sheets” he nods before pulling the blankets and folding, I pull out my linens and stuffed animals before putting them in boxes and grabbing my dresses and hung up clothes and folding them over and putting them overtop the items in unclosed boxes and then taping them shut.

 

“Hey Crystal, I'm going to grab your bathroom bag from the caddy, do you want me to grab your basket of clothes from the laundry room on my way back?” Charlie asks I nod and he nods before heading out of the room. I grab my crate of now rolled posters and tuck my drawings into the side of it and put the container of pins with them.

 

“Hey Crystal, how do you want these sheets folded?” I think for a second. I don’t want to ask too much from someone who is taking me into their home.

 

“As tightly folded as you can get” he nods and starts folding with precision.

 

“You seem quiet, it’s an easy trait that can turn into a habit” I nod and start packing my backpack, I tuck my ipod into the bottom and put my sketchbook and pencil container full of drawing materials with it, I also put my hardcase of paints and brushes with it.

 

“You’re a devoted artist, I get that” I smile and go back to my task thinking of his praise. I wedge my journal in the space left in the bag and flip the top of the rucksack over and button the loop and set it with my closed boxes. Charlie comes back with my stuff, I take it and thank him in sign then start packing it away.

 

“You two talk to each other in sign a lot, why is that?” I look at Charlie and he backs off to let me explain.

 

“I have severe anxiety and mild PTSD so I use sign to speak when my words fail, I am actually signing half the pace I can sign at but Charlie isn’t very fast at sign language.”

 

“Well that’s definitely a way to use it.” he says nodding, I laugh a little and continue packing my linens and start packing away the remaining amount of my clothes.

 

“So what did I miss?” Lyn-Z says walking into my room and looks around at my now bare gray toned walls. I grab another box and grab the bubble wrap and dig out my pottery from the bottom of my dresser where it was safe, I wrap them with expertise and then tape the box shut and I grab a sharpie from my back pocket and scribble pottery on the box before I stand up and look around in triumph.

 

“You missed a lot apparently” Charlie says I laugh a little and grab my leather jacket from behind my door and put it on before throwing the other jackets over my arm and grabbing my rucksack.

 

“I’m a bit of a jacket slut too, Charlie throw these into a box will you?” I say and toss them at him because he is closer.

 

“Well anyway, you get to come home with us today because we have bandit at home, they said Charlie is doing the home inspection today with us, my mom is at the house with bandit so you know, um anything else you need to know we will tell you on the way there.” lyn-z says while I gather boxes. I nod and we all grab some sort of box, Charlie is taking a lot of them in his pickup truck. When we carry them down the stairs I get stared at by a lot of the popular girls, not so popular because they haven’t been adopted but still more popular than me.

 

“Just ignore them Crys, they aren’t worth it” Charlie says following my gaze.

 

“But how do let go of years of bitten tongues?” I ask him, he sighs and makes me walk in front of him until all the boxes are in a vehicle.

 

“Okay, do you need anything else?” Gerard asks I shake my head and hold up my rucksack

 

“Got it, well let's go” Lyn-Z says before we load up into cars, I don’t have anything against riding with them but Charlie is driving seperate which makes me uncomfortable. I get out a set of coloured pencils and my car ride sketch book then start shading and coloring one of my finished sketches, I'm testing hair colours and if I want to add scars or just make if a normal person. We were driving for a bit with Bowie playing softly in the background, I hum along so quietly I can barely tell I'm doing it.

 

“You good back there?” I hear Lyn-Z say from the passenger seat, I nod not looking up and grab my next colour from organized memory, pale green, I shade the ends of the hair and fade it up into the ombre before it completing the three colour look my character now has.

 

“Do you like music?, you seem to tap a lot” I hear Gerard say, I look at my feet and sure enough my foot was tapping right on his seat belt.

 

“Sorry” I say out of habit, _sit still_ I say mentally and flip to a clean page. I start drawing what I can see in the rearview and it ends up being decent, I colour it and shade but I could do better, I scratch my artist tag on it with my fountain pen and blow on it to dry before closing my sketch book.

 

“You don’t seem alright do you want to stop for a second or can you make it another block?” Gerard asks, I almost forgot my anxiety, it was chipping away at me, my eyes started dating again and my hands started fidgeting involuntarily.

 

“I can make it” I say with a shaky voice, he grimly nods and we turn onto another street.

 

“Lets play a quick game,” Lyn-Z says and she points to a passing sign, “what colour was it?”

 

“Green and white”, we continue stating the colours of things until we get to the house, the house itself was nice but I felt a little overwhelmed by the fact that it would be mine until they got bored of me.


	2. The world is ugly

“Lets go inside” Gerard says before turning off the car, I unbuckled and grabbed my bag and get out of the car, I hold onto the car until I know my legs will hold me.

 

“You good?” Gerard asks, I look at Charlie and he nods for me. I lean against Charlie as we walk in.

 

“You get to room in the basement, I hope you don’t mind, when I was your age I did too and I liked the privacy” Gerard says and points to a far set of stairs as we walk in. I nod and look around at the living room.

 

“You have an excellent home, I have to look around more, not to pry but do you have a butchers block?” Lyn-Z nods and points to the block that has locks on the knife's because of Bandit.

 

“Okay, I suggest keeping it always locked because if you leave it unlocked for cooking, little or curious hands could get ahold of one.” Lyn-Z nods and Gerard walks to a room across the floor and Bandit runs out to greet him, He carries her over to where we are standing, I wave lightly and she smiles a bright heart warming grin.

 

“Bandit, this is Crystal, she is going to be part of the family, you have an older sister now, you need to be nice to Charlie here because he is our guest but I promise they are both nice okay?” Gerard says and she nods excitedly when he put her down she walked over to me and put a hand up to me and I squatted down and she pushed my hair away from my eye, she looked at my green eye and gasped with glee.

 

“She has pretty eyes!!” she squeals and claps, I smile and when she turns to me again I open my arms to pick her up and she steps forward, I lift her gently by the under arms and balance her on my hip, she hugs my neck and tucks in close to me.

 

“Welp, I now have a new favorite person, sorry Charlie you got knocked to fourth” I say and Charlie acts offended and I laugh a little at his dramatics.

 

“Gerard when are you going to introduce me to the guests?” I hear and I look up to see Gerard’s mother walking over, I shift my footing and hold posture, Charlie signs to me ‘one, two or three’ I blink twice quickly and he moves next to me again, Bandit didn’t have a care in the world because someone was carrying her and new people were here.

 

“I’m Crystal, I'd offer a handshake or something like that but my hands are full” I say and try to keep my voice from shaking, she smiles and nods at me and turns to Charlie.

 

“I’m Charlie I'm just Crystal’s social worker and I'm here for house check and getting Crystal’s schedule set up for her” he says and gives her a small handshake.

 

“Wells it’s nice of you to do that for her” she says before hugging Gerard and Lyn-Z goodbye while waving at Bandit on her way out. I relax a little but slowly set Bandit down trying not to work myself up to a three, she frowns a bit but quickly find something to do, she walked over to the couch and grabbed something and sat down.

 

“Crystal, two or three?” Charlie asks me, I breathe in deeply before answering

 

“Two and a half” he gives me a quick look before heading to his truck and grabbing my sensory ball, when he comes back inside he tosses it to me lightly and I catch it and start tracing the patterns to calm down.

 

“You two have a secret language or something?” Gerard asks, I shake my head and Charlie grabs the paper he was going to give them for my daily schedule.

 

“You have all you need to know about her day to day needs, her medicine routine, school situations, what is or isn’t allowed for her emotionally, and her codes so you can ask her how she feels without making her feel put on spot, and if you need my numbers on the back” Charlie says and Gerard starts reading over it while Lyn-Z heads over to bandit and does her activity with her.

 

“Do you want to see the house?” Gerard asks us, I nod while Charlie actually says yes.

 

“The pool door has a lock that only me and Lyn-Z know, the stairs have a light that’s hooked up to a sensor around the corner so if you start coming up the stairs at night lights turn on so you can see, your room has ensuite and walk in closet, you really only need to add your own touch to the room because it’s kinda a blank canvas, um upstairs there is a wreck room where bandit and my mom were, it has a pool table, a TV lounge couch, dart board that is locked, finger paint for Bandit, stuff like that” he says showing us the stairs to the basement and peeking inside the wreck room. We walk upstairs and he shows us around.

 

“This is me and Lyn-Z's Room, Bandits is next, then the guest room, my office and the spare bathroom, our room is open to you unless the door is locked, my office has a lot in it, just don’t mess with my stuff and you can be in it whenever” he says and we head downstairs again, I sign to Charlie about my room ‘I am so excited to see my room’ he smiles and gives me an okay.

 

“We should probably bring in your stuff and let Charlie get on his way if he needs be” Lyn-Z says holding a purple crayon, so they were colouring, and helping bandit shade the princesses dress.

 

“Can he, um, stay for dinner?” I ask quietly, Gerard smiles.

 

“Of course!” he says and we head to the truck and the guys grab a few boxes each and I grab one at a time, I miss my drum set and guitars but Charlie would bring them soon from his place where they were being kept safe.

 

“I’m going to start taking these down the stairs to my room so we don’t have to later” I say and start taking the boxes that were piling near the basement door, every two boxes I ran the stairs without one to get my fat ass in shape, once all the boxes but the two the guys were holding were down stairs I ran down the stairs one more time before heading into my room where the boxes were piled, I planned on using my boxes to put under my drum set to save the carpet and to support it.

 

“So Crystal, what do you plan on doing to this room?” Gerard asks, I think looking around, there was a desk and bed already but it was pretty blank.

 

“Posters that wall, drums here, guitars that wall, desk and bed stay, mural that wall, bookshelf here, paint essel there” I say and point and move to where I meant, Gerards eyes dart around while Charlie jots it down on a sticky note, I take the sticky notes from him and label everything.

 

“You have drums?” Gerard asks, I nod and point to Charlie.

 

“He has them, and my guitars, I have 2 les pauls, 4 fenders, a yamaha acoustic, another acoustic, two basses I can’t remember what brand, um a custom 7 string, my drums, a keyboard that I forgot about for a second,” I say listing on my fingers, “my recording equipment, um, yeah I have about eleven guitars, but I'm picky about them so each one is tuned to what I find sounds best on each, I'm saving for pickups and a new pedal board” I say and do a mental recount and nod surely.

 

“You play all of them? I thought it was just like an acoustic, electric, and bass is all you had!” I laugh and shake my head no, I walk over to one of the boxes and pull out my binder.

 

“This is a picture of each and their name, tuning, make, model, and when I got them” I say and hand it to him, Gerard still has a shocked expression and flips through them, at the end is my other instruments, my drums are named Pumpkins, my keyboard is Ivory, I only named them because it kept me organized, like I could tell Charlie the name of the guitar and he would bring it to me.

 

“You are amazing, I don’t see why you would ever have a problem with anyone else” he says and hands it back, I shrug and grab my Ipod and pull up a video

 

“Here's my progress from when I first played guitar” I say and hand Gerard the Ipod, I last recorded two weeks ago, so I need to upload again, but first I need to find a way to make it look like I didn’t get adopted, or ask Charlie to record at his house.

 

“You were that good at twelve? Man Mikey’s gonna have a fit, woah woah, you could play highway to hell your third week? No way, I'm sorry but you are unbelievable, there is no way this is you!” he says and I look at Charlie.

 

“It’s her man, I have dated proof, here look in the bottom corner it has that water mark, that’s mine I regulate her channel and add my watermark so she can’t get in trouble, it’s all her, no extra music, no ghosting” he says and points it out, and shows him the photos taken while I was playing.

 

“Well I guess I shouldn’t doubt that you know your stuff” Gerard says and we head upstairs for dinner. Lyn-Z was making chicken corn soup and bowtie pasta, Bandit was drawing in the back of her colouring book, I sat down beside her and she handed me her other colouring book and a pack of crayons. I was colouring in a dog when Charlie taps my shoulder and taps his throat, it was time for my meds because I have to take them before eating.

 

“Do I have to?” I ask and feel uneasy, he nods and hands me the container and I smile half heartedly at the skittles with my meds, he likes making taking my meds easier. I swallow them all in one go before chewing the skittle to get rid of the flavor, Charlie pats my shoulder and takes the container before letting me go back to colouring, I finish colouring my dog like a german shepard and adding the name Fluffy under it.

 

“Dinner’s ready!” Gerard says and Bandit races to the table, I stand slowly and head to the table and sit next to Charlie, he made my plate so I didn’t feel pressured to finish a large portion.


	3. Fake your death

“Can I be excused?” I ask and look at Gerard, I finished my plate and Charlie finished a little before me, we eat at the same pace so I don’t try and slow my eating and lie about being full.

 

“Only if you take Charlie with you” he says, he picks up my needs fast.

 

“Okay, thank you” I say and we stand, I head downstairs to my room, I started unpacking and hanging clothes and putting shoes and accessories up on custom racks,Charlie was hanging my shirts, jackets, and few dresses, I was now sorting my pants by colour and size, I had 00s, 0s, 1s, and one pair of 2s, I had jeans in pinstripe, galaxy, black ripped, red, purple, blue, ripped of every colour, leather pants of black and dark brown.

 

“Hey Crys, do you want me to bring over your instruments tomorrow or wait until the weekend?” I shrug, I miss my guitars, I really just miss not having to hide my stuff in the attic just to keep them safe, or sending them with Charlie. I miss having rights, I miss having someone defend me.

 

“Crys, Crys. Talk to me” Charlie says while holding my arms, I try and form a word but I can’t, I end up letting out a shaky cracked sob, I miss staying with Charlie, I miss having him to escape to every moment I could but now I can’t, he pulls me into a hug and I cry silently for a while, he just draws shapes on my back while whispering reassurances in my ear.

 

“I- I'm sorry, I d-didn’t mean t-to, I didn’t mean to-” I say sniffling, he just rocked us back and forth until I could breathe right again. He pulls back some and searches my eyes for emotion and finds them glazed over, he leads me out of the closet, upstairs, and outside with Gerard’s knowledge where he takes me to his truck, we drive to his house.

 

“It’s only seven so we need to get all your instruments transported by eight thirty, okay?” he says, I nod and get out of the truck and follow him inside, I went to the music room he let me take over, when I walk in I take a deep breathe before pulling my guitars off the wall mounts and putting them in my Gator G-TOUR 14U CAST - 14U Standard Audio Road Rack Case With Casters, my acoustics in hard cases, my pedal boards and cables all staying in their organized box, I start breaking down my drum set and putting my supports into boxes and my drum mics with them, I fold my Keyboard and grab the small box of cables I use for hooking up my recording equipment, I put my folder of sheet music and song ideas into my bag and grab my piggie bank of guitar pics, then suddenly Charlie comes in.

 

“Woah, I was going to ask if you wanted me to help with your drums, or cables and hookups. I guess you have it covered, I'm going to start taking down the wall mounts and gathering your surge protectors, kay?” I nod and gather my drums and put them into boxes if they fit and leave the others out, Charlie has the rest because he puts it up for me every time I need it moved for performances or teaching kids at the foster home.

 

“Hey Charlie, do you think they will mind me playing drums? Or recording my piano pieces? Or my guitar updates? Or if they think my playing sucks? What if?” I start to ramble and get myself worked up, he turns to me and makes a breathe motion. I take in a long breathe and start humming a vocal exercise, he smiles and gives me a thumbs up. I pack up my few pairs of sticks and put them in my bag along with my pics, Charlie got all of my wall mounts down and put them in the box with my pedal boards. I grab whatever is left that I can myself and start taking it out to the truck, if the bed could hold it I put it there but I left space for the remaining pieces of the drums, everything else fit in the cab, or in my lap, when Charlie comes out with the last of it and loads it into the bed and closes the tailgate and climbs into the cab and we drive back to Gerard and Lyn-Z’s house, Gerard greets us and seems shocked at what we are hauling, I had Ivory sitting on the seat next to me.

 

“Wow, you weren’t even over exaggerating about your equipment, we just got bandit down for bed so Lyn-Z can help, where can we start?” I hand him my acoustics and he takes them straight to the basement, I grab two boxes of cables/cords and ivory, Lyn-Z grabs my kick drum and a snare, Charlie grabs most of my drums and I come back for boxes and my guitars, I carried my Gator all the way down the stairs on my own and wheeled it into my room without running into everybody, turns out they had everything and were waiting for me to give up and ask for help with it, they all looked in shock but Charlie.

 

“You are in love with your guitars, so are you going to wait till morning or are we pulling an all-nighter?” Lyn-Z asks, I shrug, Charlie and I have done this before so we could probably get it done but I am getting tired.

 

“I guess-” I get cut off by my own yawn, I feel Charlie pick me up and take me to my closet to change, he leaves me to talk to Gerard and Lyn-Z. I change into ootd leggings and an oversized sweater that I stole from Charlie, when I come out Gerard was the only one still in the room.

 

“Hey, so I know you trust Charlie, but he has a job to do because he is getting reassigned as someone else's full time social worker, he is still available for call and weekends but he is getting a new girl to work with, you don’t have to say goodbye tonight, he has a few more days before he actually meets her. I just needed to tell you this so it didn’t feel like he was trying to leave you. He said that he would help you set up in the morning so rest up okay kiddo?” I nod, about halfway through talking I was sat on the bed beside him, he reached out and I gave him my hand like he was suggesting, he brought it to his lips and kissed it lightly and he stood from my bed, I slipped under the plain purple comforter and black sheets, I lightly fluffed the pillow and snuggled in to sleep.


	4. The only hope for me is you

When I woke up the next morning it was about five a.m. I got up out of bed and walked upstairs to the main floor and found no one up so I went up to the second story, I walked down the hall to the guest room where Charlie was staying, he opened the door on my second knock.

 

“Hey crys, what's wrong?” he asks as he sees my ratted hair and pulled down sleeves, my hands covered to the fingertip, I was a mess.

 

“I had, he-had another b-b-bad dream” I say my voice wavering and cracking from my silent screaming in my sleep. Charlie usually has a monitor near my bed so he can hear them and come to wake me but recently we had to stop.

 

“It’s alright, come here, it’s going to be fine crys” he says pulling me into a hug, he never says okay when talking about well-being because I trigger at it because of conversion therapy.

 

“Can, can you come to my room and help me tune and set up?” I ask trying to distract myself from my dream.

 

“Of coarse crys” he says and we walk back down two flights of stairs. I looked at all my instruments and recording equipment sitting on the floor and in boxes and felt motivated.

 

“Can I set up my drums? Like could you teach me how?” I ask and he smiles before nodding. We get done after twenty minutes of me being picky about me height of my snare, in reality it was perfect the first time but I wanted to fuck with him. I sat on my seat and twirled my oldest set of sticks on my hand before feathering the kick drum and adding a new pattern every repetition, and from there my hands took over and I was just letting out my built up stress on the drums.

 

“Do you want to mark where your guitars will hang?” I nod and hop from my stool and tuck my drumsticks into the waistband of my leggings. I grab a pencil and walk around and mark high up so I can walk around and not bump one, I also made sure to put space between each so I could make them line every wall, I grab my crate of posters and go through them and find some from music festivals I went to and performed in, I put them on the wall behind my drums and put up the rest of my posters on the wall with the doors that lead to my bathroom and closet.

 

“Ok, I'll get to hanging your stands, do you want your guitar straps on?” I nod and start setting up Ivory and my recording equipment, I grab my surge protector power strips and start hooking up my pedal board and mini amp, I get everything in place and hooked up properly, I grab my beats headphones that I got from Charlie for recording, I plug in Zarah and plug in my headphones to the amp and start playing until Charlie finished putting up the guitar stands. I unplug Zarah and hang her between the bathroom and closet door, she was my first guitar.

 

“So do you want me to transfer my channel to your jurisdiction or no?” I shake my head no, I head to my closet where I change my clothes, first I put on a black tee shirt bra to match my black boy shorts, a black long sleeve and a pair of purple skinnies, no rips, I head to my bathroom through the connecting door, I braid my bangs back into two boxer braids with the rest of my hair and put on my glasses instead of my colour contacts, I don’t put on any makeup and look at my sunken in face, I guess I should sleep more.

 

“Hey you look alive, ish” Charlie says when I emerge from the bathroom, I flick him off quickly before heading to my desk where I had my equipment and transfer my jam session from my amp, where I had added a recording program that hooks to my main board, I listen to it through my headphones that I hooked up to my main board, I was playing The Ghost Of You and I started layering the original recording over my playing and I couldn’t hear much difference besides no rhythmic. I pause the recording and set my headphones on the desk next to my board and pull over my chair and sit down before thinking, I put on the headphones again and play the recording over again and start sketching on a blank piece of paper, I draw myself in The Ghost Of You video, I was hung over a barricade clinging to life while the boys run to get me.

 

“Hey, do you want to go upstairs, they just started making breakfast” Charlie asks, I pull off my headphones and pause everything on my board before getting up, I know I didn’t have a choice. I walk upstairs behind Charlie knowing I have to take my meds when we get upstairs, I sigh when I see Gerard was dressed and Lyn-Z wasn’t with Bandit still sleeping against her shoulder. I felt too ready for the day at nine in the morning, Gerard was making pancakes and Lyn-Z was sitting on the couch flipping through the cartoons. I walk over to where Gerard was cooking and watch as he makes the perfect golden brown pancakes, Charlie walks over and taps his throat, I give up and he hands me my morning pill counter, I swallow all of them before drinking the water he hands me, I can’t eat skittles in the morning because my body rejects them, I turn back to Gerard and he hands me a plate with two small pancakes on it, I take them in thanks before sitting down at the kitchen Island to continue watching him cook, when I feel my stomach start to growl I start eating, I put butter on the pancakes and nothing else.

 

“I was thinking of taking you to see my brother today, are you up for that Crystal?” I nod with my mouth full, I smile mouth closed and think of wearing my leather jacket or my DECAYDANCE logo hoodie, I decide on my leather jacket and sliding on my Frank Iero Andthe Cellabration shirt, when I finally finish my breakfast Gerard tells me to go grab what I need for the day, I grab my rucksack and throw my sketchbook and basic drawing tools into it before placing my Apple earbuds and Ipod into it and throwing on my wardrobe addition, I quickly grab my Zip Drive out of my main board and slip the lanyard over my head and run upstairs knowing Charlie would be back in my room to put the rest of my stuff away knowing that I would figure out where everything is.

 

“You ready kiddo?” Gerard asks when I get upstairs, I nod and we head out to his car, he lets me in the front seat, I ask quickly before turning up the music because it was still the same Bowie CD, I nod along and he starts humming, I start mouthing the words and suddenly the words just spilled out in time and on pitch, He looks over at me quickly because we were at a red light, I stop and look down quickly ashamed, he took his hands off the wheel and started clapping.

 

“That was beautiful!” he says and starts driving again when the light turns green, I hum quietly with him until we can dance comes on, I loved the labyrinth so it was by far my favorite song by him, I belt out the first verse with confidence and when the chorus came on Gerard joined me and we sang together like that until we gotta a starbucks. I laugh a little before getting out with Gerard and bringing me rucksack with me, when we get inside Gerard greets his brother at a table where coffee was waiting for him.

 

“Mikey, this is Crystal, we adopted her yesterday, she isn’t the best with contact right away so she might seem nervous,.. So um yeah” he says and takes the Coffee from Mikey, I sit down across from Mikey and wave lightly, I met him before at a music festival. He smiles and I see a glint in his eye, I pull out my sketchbook and flip to my third page in, it was april 24th 2016, I had an unfinished drawing of him that I was doing during the question and answer booth he was set up at, he smiles at the unfinished sketch, it was basic and I could have done more if my anxiety was making my hand shaky, I start drawing again.

 

“Wait, you two have met?” Gerard says and looks confused.

 

“I met him at a music festival a few years ago, Charlie set up a time frame for me to talk to him because of foster perks, I was drawing this during the question and answer panel, I kinda send him a few covers off his bass parts every few weeks, I actually brought my Zip Drive because I recorded an old MCR song, not bass, Ray’s part, I did it on Zarah so it should be right but it’s not perfect” I say and Mikey smiles, Gerard looks even more confused, I grab my bag and pull out my usb connector for my Ipod and hook up up and plug in my Zip Drive and pull up my cover and comparison track, I hand each brother an earbud and play the cover track then play the tracks side by side.

 

“You are getting better and better, so how’s Highway To Hell coming along?” Mikey asks, I pull up the track and play my finished cover of the song, he smiles while Gerard gets frustrated.

 

“I don’t get to surprise Mikey with my amazing new child!” he humps and I giggle and finish up the last few details of my sketch before showing Mikey, he smiles and gives me a thumbs up, I giggle a little and look down at my shirt.

 

“So do you still play Keyboard?” I not excitedly and he waits for me to go into detail.

 

“I just got all of my instruments and equipment moved in and set up in my new room, I have all eleven of my guitars hung, Pumpkins is set up, Ivory is hooked up to my secondary board and my main board is hooked to my amps, my half board is used for controlling my drums mics and I have the pedal for stop and go recording installed, I also forgot I had my pedal board hooked up to the main board too.” I say and Mikey smiles, we get along because we communicate better through facial expressions.

 

“So, Mikes do you want to go with me and Crystal back to the house?” he nods and I put my stuff back into my bag, I even get all my cables disconnected and wrapped before we even got to the door.

 

“You are always surprising me Crystal” Gerard says and he wraps and arm around my shoulders gently. I lean into his touch a little and when we get to the car, Mikey was parked right next to us. I got into the car and Gerard started the car, when the radio started playing Mikey rolled down his window, I rolled down mine and the song was the same and synced.

 

“You dork!” I yell and he just shrugs and we start driving home, Mikey behind us the whole way, I got out of the car the second he turned it off and headed inside to put my stuff away in my room, I got down to my room in record speed and shed my jacket and hang it on it’s hanger and set my bag on my bed, I grab a pick from my piggie bank and grab Gail off the wall, I hook him up to my Pedal board and Amp, I get all of this set up before Mikey and Gerard knocked on the door, I yell come in.

 

“So you got all of that set up in the five minutes it took Mikey to get past Bandit, impressive” Gerard says.

 

“I have a lot of practice with quick set up and take down, only having twenty minutes of safe time with your instrument and the fear of someone coming it helps” I say and start playing the bass to Dance Dance by FOB Mikey nods along, Gerard was watching me play, and I was focusing on the timing because I didn’t have my headphones on where I have an automatic metronome playing, I set it to the BPM that I want.

 

“She says she’s no good with words but I'm worse, Barely stuttered out, ‘A joke of a romantic’ or just stuck to my tongue, weighed down with words too over-dramatic, Tonights it’s ‘It can’t get much worse’ vs ‘no one should ever feel like…’ I'm two quarters and a heart down and I don’t want to forget how your voice sounds these words are all I have do I write them  so you need them just to get by dance dance we’re falling apart to halftime dance dance and these are the lives they’d love to live dance this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loved me, you always fold just before you’re found out drink up its last call last resort but only the first mistake, I'm two quarters and a heart down and I don’t want to forget how your voice sounds these words are all I have do I write them  so you need them just to get by, why don’t you show me that little bit of spine you’ve been saving for his mattress, love, dance dance we’re falling apart to halftime dance dance and these are the lives they’d love to live dance this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loved me, why don’t you show me that little bit of spine you’ve been saving for his mattress I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me, dance dance we’re falling apart to halftime, dance dance we’re falling apart to halftime dance dance and these are the lives they’d love to live dance this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loved me” I sing along to keep my rhythm.

 

“That was lovely! You should sing more often” Gerard says and I blush a bit before turning off my equipment, I didn’t record my vocals only my bass playing.

 

“No thanks, I'll keep to playing instruments” I say and hang Gail backup and heading to my main board to mix in my other recordings of Dance Dance, I had most of it but the bass line.

 

“Here, listen to this” I say and pass Gerard the headphones and play my layered version  vs the real.

 

“You’re good at layering and putting multiple pieces of recording together but you should really get the vocals for this done” he says and hands me my headphones back, I shrug and unplug them before playing the track again, I liked the studio quality my headphones gave to it but my board had modified speakers due to foster perks.

 

“Okay if I add vocals and record them right now for you will you let me work on my drum cover?” they nod at the same time, I sigh and hook up my mic and headphones to Ivory, I pull up my recording program on my secondary board and grab the sheet music I had of the song, I set it on the stand and started playing the basic rhythm on the piano, I set my mic to record and start singing again.

 

“She says she’s no good with words but I'm worse, Barely stuttered out, ‘A joke of a romantic’ or just stuck to my tongue, weighed down with words too over-dramatic, Tonights it’s ‘It can’t get much worse’ vs ‘no one should ever feel like…’ I'm two quarters and a heart down and I don’t want to forget how your voice sounds these words are all I have do I write them  so you need them just to get by dance dance we’re falling apart to halftime dance dance and these are the lives they’d love to live dance this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loved me, you always fold just before you’re found out drink up its last call last resort but only the first mistake, I'm two quarters and a heart down and I don’t want to forget how your voice sounds these words are all I have do I write them  so you need them just to get by, why don’t you show me that little bit of spine you’ve been saving for his mattress, love, dance dance we’re falling apart to halftime dance dance and these are the lives they’d love to live dance this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loved me, why don’t you show me that little bit of spine you’ve been saving for his mattress I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me, dance dance we’re falling apart to halftime, dance dance we’re falling apart to halftime dance dance and these are the lives they’d love to live dance this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loved me” I sing and stop the recording before recording all the backing vocals to layer into the finished product. Mikey and Gerard start clapping and Charlie is clapping from the doorway with Lyn-Z and Bandit standing behind him, I look down shyly and pull the headphones down onto my neck and start layering on the board to get the vocals file completed before I sent it to the main board, I did it quickly listening through one ear while everyone moved into the room, Charlie sat on my drum stool and Lyn-Z sat on the bed with Bandit, Gerard was leaning on the wall next to Ivory on my right, Mikey was sitting on my desk chair watching what was happening on the main board while I layered and cut the file to size, I knew because I watched charlie set up the connection, he just messed around on the secondary board to show me what it displayed on the main, since then I showed Charlie everything I did without even trying because he would watch me work from the main board when I did vocals or Piano work.

 

“Bravo!” Mikey yells when I finally send the file over to the main board and put everything back where it was before I set up and headed over to the main board to continue mixing, I was mixing for a few hours after that on unfinished products while everybody watched, listened and helped find errors.

 

“You know, It's lunch time, let's go eat” Charlie says and I snap from my daze, I had just listened to an finished product, I mixed The End. and Cancer and was adding bass increase and some treble fade.

 

“What is there to eat?” I ask, Mikey snorts and just starts raiding the freezer, he finds ice cream, frozen french fries, chicken nuggets, and popsicles,

 

“So I guess lunch then frozen treats?” I say and Mikey just smiles at my attempt at being a good example for Bandit, he nods and puts the treats back into the freezer and starts spreading the fries and nuggets out onto a cookie sheet to go into the oven. I preheat the oven and when it beeps he puts the sheet into the oven and I grab a bottle of apple juice from the fridge and pour me and Bandit a glass, I sip at the cup and Bandit sits down in the living room drinking her while doodling in an old battered sketch book with many pages ripped out, a few old detailed sketches in the front from what I could see.

 

“Hello? Hello? Earth to Crystal?” Gerard says while waving in front of my face.

 

“Says the hesitant alien” I remark confidently, He smirks a glint of mischief in his eye. I try and get up to run by he grabs me and tosses me over his shoulder and carries me like a potato sack to the couch where he throws me down and tickles me relentlessly, I was breathing in gasps, I feel happy, genuinely happy.


	5. The ghost of you

“Did everybody get enough to eat?” Lyn-Z says when going back to eat the rest of the fries. We all nod or give a thumbs up, I had as much as Charlie made me eat, I wanted ice cream _‘no you don’t you fat fuck’_ she says and turns my mood sour.

 

“Charlie can I go back to my project downstairs?” I ask trying to keep myself from getting upset, he looks at me worried, I was doing great up until now, yeah I know.

 

“Please” I say, and start signing to him ‘please, I don’t want this to end badly’ he nods, he says something to Gerard and I follow Charlie to my room and I plop into my desk chair and start where I left off and drowning out anything with music and file editing.

 

“Crystal, blue as a crystal, Emma, green as an emerald, Blue, crystal blue, Green, emerald green, Crystal Emma, the Crystal Emerald, the shining stone in a coal mine” Charlie recited to me, I remember my older sister singing it to me, she was adopted a long time ago, when I was still thirteen, I felt a tear track down my sharp and overly defined cheekbones, sinking into my hollow eyes, making me look like a crying skull, like a weeping ghoul that makes me feel sick and fat at the same time.

 

“She would sing that to me during conversion therapy, she was originally a boy, she was the best sister I ever had, she would always try and help me get through the stripping part of therapy, I just remember her telling me that if I gave up I would never see her in her wedding dress, I always smile when I remember her fifth grade photo next to her sixth, she had short hair in fifth, then she had shoulder length hair that dad didn’t like, mom was on the fence and didn’t like that dad wanted us to go to conversion therapy because she saw what it did to the neighbors kids, they were depressed and extremely suicidal,” I take a breath, “the youngest died of starvation because they tore her down so much she got so sick she couldn’t eat. I remember the first stage, I remember being told I would be loved again when I learned how to be a proper person, I remember telling them there was nothing wrong with me, they laughed and said sick people never deny being sick unless they don’t know, I don’t really remember the rebuilding process, I remember wanting to be loved, to be accepted again, but my mom broke down and started to hate us because my dad drilled into her head that we were disgusting, I cried when we got out of therapy and they put us into foster because they didn’t want us.” I said and Charlie wiped some tears and hugged me, I just want to see my sister.

 

“I was to see Alex, really do I called her alex for so long she forgot she was named alexander, she forgot they never cared if she got to choose what she was, she wanted to be alexandria, I smiled when she would call me her little emerald shard, her little diamond in the rough, her shining stone in the coal mine of conversion therapy” I smiled sadly and felt the tears stop and leaned back, my headphones had been playing the same loop of cancer for a while making the scene sound sad but it really made me feel better, I guess sad music helps you understand it’s okay to not feel perfect.

 

“Charlie, can you find Alex?” I ask and he nods, I knew he meant he would try, he was getting a new assignment, I would be an afterthought.

 

“Hey, it’s Mikey” Mikey said before coming in and seeing my face a little tear streaked and Charlie just ending hugging me.

 

“What’s up buttercup?” he says and leans over my desk and wipes away the rest of my tears and kissing the top of my head. I shrug and try and focus on what I was working on but can’t get back into it, I turn off my equipment using my main board and take off my headphones, I clean out my bag and put everything where it should go before grabbing Bob off the wall near the door and sitting down on my bed and just strumming up something to fill the quiet.I end up playing Wait Out The Days

 

“When memory is a blank page, and the teeth in your mouth are all cliches, your heart is a bag of rocks, and your soul is a pile of ashes on the sidewalk, there's an eagle scout project I used to come to to feel some kind of magic, a story lense can wait out the days, wait out the days till death comes to claim anything your life didn’t already take, you can wait out the days, catch 22 the’re all catchin up with you they’re layin all over the middle ground you’re walkin on to avoid em and it’s too late to turn around, on the corner of morson there's a shop that sells bracelets and little glass ornaments, looking in you can feel the magic and wait out the days, wait out the days till death comes to claim anything your life didn’t already take, you can wait out the days, wait out the days till death comes to claim anything that life didn’t take we can wait out the days” I sing and strum the ending note, I want to sleep but we haven’t even had dinner yet, I guess a small nap wouldn’t hurt though.

 

“Charlie, I’m going to take a small nap, I don’t care if you stay or not but I’m tired” I say and hang Bob back up and laying down on my bed.

 

“Okay, sleep well” he says and Mikey leaves the room to go home, probably. I fall asleep quickly and I guess I sleep for a while because when I wake up it’s to Bandit poking my shoulder. I smile and sit up, she sat down next to me, I go to readjust my glasses and they aren’t on my face, Bandit hands them to me, I put them on and the room gets clearer.

 

“Whats up munchin?” I say and she smiles a bit

 

“It’s time for dinner” she says and I nod, when I go to stand I have to pull up my jeans because they fell off my hips, I hate being sick but I did this to myself.

 

“Ok, give me a minute and I’ll be up okay?” she nods and I grab my Ipod and pull up my calculator and add up everything I ate today in calories and realize I over ate today. I want to purge but I said only a minute, I pocket my Ipod and head upstairs.

 

“Sleeping beauty awakens!” Lyn-Z says and I walk over to the table smiling a little, I sait where I sat last night and realized Charlie wasn’t here, I look at my plate and it looked like he made it but I know he didn’t, his new assignment must have come up.

 

“You okay crystal?” Gerard asks and I nod weakly and start eating when everyone else does, I try and eat at the same pace that Gerard was but it was a struggle when I didn’t want to be eating at all.

 

“Crystal, are you sure you’re alright?” I nod and try and continue eating and when I finish I just put my face in my hands and try and calm my mind, _‘you fat fuck, you are never going to be perfect if you keep eating!’_.

 

“Can I be excused, please?” I ask, Gerard was done and he came with me, I went downstairs and he followed.

 

“Can you play something on the guitar?” I ask, he nods and I hand him Mel and a guitar pic, I walk to ivory and start playing you don’t know by katelyn tarver, he adds a harmony to what i was playing and I felt a bit more relaxed even though my body hated me right now.

 

“Crystal I know you don’t like taking them but it’s time for you to take your medicine” Gerard says and Hands me my container, I stop playing and take it and swallow all my meds and leave the skittle in the container.

 

“You left the candy?” I nod and go back to playing. I didn’t feel like being happy today.

 

“Are you alright Crys?” he asks again, I shake my head no and stop playing, I feel a wave of sadness wash over me, I turn to him and he was there, I walk closer to him and he just pulls me in a hug.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I nod a bit and just enjoy the hug for a bit more.

 

“It’s just hard to ignore my sickness, to ignore the feeling of hate forming in my head that makes me hate eating because I could gain weight or become healthy, because I could be rid of my sickness, and it’s hard to fight something you know is bigger than you but infects you mind as a chemical imbalance that you have little to no control over and when you think it’s over it comes back or when you’re doing good it come back, I just don’t want to die because of it and I know it’s hard to think of anything else and o try to think on anything else but I can’t” I say, I didn’t rush it out I just said it. I sigh and try and breathe properly but my breathing was irregular and didn’t like my attempt at corrections.

 

“Hey, chill, you are going to be fine, it’s going to be alright” he says holding my hands gently in his hands, I feel slight calluses from rough drawing materials and years of holding microphones, I focus on breathing and the feeling of his hands on mine.

 

“Can you sing something please?” I ask him quietly because I still haven’t caught my breath, he thinks for a second before singing The End.

 

“Now come one come all to this tragic affair, wipe of that makeup what’s in is despair, so throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot, you might wake up and notice you’re someone you’re not, If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me, so gather round piggies and kiss this goodbye, I'd encourage your smiles I'll expect you won’t cry, another contusion my funeral jag, is my resignation I’ll serve it in drag, you’ve got front row seats to the penitence ball, when I grow up I want to be nothing at all, save me, get me the hell out of here, save, too young to die my dear, you can’t, if you can hear me just walk away and take me” he sings softly, no anger just emotion.

 

“It’s been a while since I’ve sang anything from chem” he says and sounds a bit remorseful, I know he misses the guys but chem was becoming dysfunctional.

 

“Can I call you dad? I know you only adopted me yesterday and you don't have to-” I started to ask but he cuts me off.

 

“Yes, you can call me dad” he says and I hug him, he chuckles and hugs me back. I almost jump out of my skin when a camera flashes from the doorway and Lyn-Z awning at us, Bandit was standing behind her, they both were wearing swim suits, I have one but I don’t like the top so I have a long sleeve surfing shirt. Gerard looks at me and I shrug, I head to my closet and dig in the last box of clothes for my suit, when I change into it I had the urge to burn the suit.


	6. Welcome to the black parade

“You look great” Lyn-Z says when I walk out, I walk across the hall with Lyn-Z and Bandit while Gerard goes to change into his trunks, I tug at my swim bottoms hoping they would stay tied at the waist, when Lyn-Z unlocks the door I walk to the deeper end of the pool and dip my feet, Lyn-Z was swimming with Bandit so I slid into the water and started treading, Gerard walked in and walked to the deep end and dived in.

 

“Dad, what are you doing? You can’t swim, you can’t dance, and you don’t know karate, face it you’re never gonna make it” I say when he comes up, he gives me a ‘really’ look and I smirk then allowing myself to sink to the bottom of the pool, he follows me down and I do a handstand on the bottom of the pool before swimming up to catch my breath.

 

“You really are something, I don’t know why anyone would do anything bad to you Crystal” Dad says and treads next to me, I felt myself getting tired from lack of sleep.

 

“Hey are you okay? you look a bit tired” I nod and he helps me swim over to where I can stand.

 

“I just had trouble sleeping last night and I had a lot of mental activity today so I’m a bit tired” he pushes me hair away from my face and looks at my eyes, I could barely see past his face but I wanted to spend some time with them.

 

“Crys, you’re too tired to be swimming, you need to get to bed okay?” I nod weakly and he picks me up in the water and carries me out of the pool, I didn’t weigh a lot but he had to put me down to get towels for both of us and to unlock the door, he sets me on my feet in my bathroom, he heads into my closet and comes back with a pair of leggings, an old faded band shirt, and a set of plain blue underwear. He points at the shower, I nod and he sits against the wall outside of my bathroom.

 

“You can do this, it’s just a shower” I whisper and peel off my swimsuit, I look down at my arms in disgust before stepping into the shower and closing the glass behind me, I turn on hot water and the scalding temperature shocks my nerves but not my actions as I hold myself in the burning stream until I feel tears falling instead of water from my eyelashes.

 

“You **deserve** being _burnt_ , being _forced to feel_ **pain** and **nothing else** ” I say to myself and curl up on the floor in the stream of numbingly hot water.

 

“Crystal I’m coming in” I hear Gerard say from outside the bathroom, I just stay curled up hugging my knees in the bottom of the shower.

 

“Crystal, it feels like a sauna in here, what temperature is the water even- OW, how are you just sitting in that water? You’re going to get burned, come on, up you go” he says turning off the water and wrapping a towel around me before helping me stand

 

“I deserve it” I whisper and he gives me a look that says it all, he has been there, and I feel guilty.

 

“No one deserves depression” he says and turns away for me to dress, I pull on the underwear and the shirt before my fatigue and pain from the water catches up, I almost fall over but Gerard catches me, he was watching my shadow, I feel my breathing become shallow so Gerard breaths with me, I feel the need to catch my breath but my body rejects my actions.

 

“Hey, hey, you’re okay, breath, lets get you to bed okay?” I nod and he picks me up again and carries me outside to my bed, he sets me on the foot of the bed and pulls back the blankets for me, I flop over and he helps me by dragging me towards the pillows and covers me, he hands me a pillow and he gives me a thumbs up and I nod.

 

“Goodnight. Little diamond, sleep well” I feel a memory of contentment wash over me as I drift into sleep, I hear the door close but after that it is white noise and dreams of fantasy.

 

_“Wake the fuck up, you piece of shit, you think he would actually adopt you!? You think he would even care about your problems and self hate? you idiotic little skank!” I turn to the voice, there stood my mother, my father’s voice boomed behind me_

 

_“You idiot, you think we wanted a pansy little faggot for a child, I wanted two boys but no I had to get a transy and a gay faggot, I just wanted a normal catholic family but i guess you never do what you’re told!” he says to me, I cower in fear and almost cry_

 

_“You idiot, you think I actually loved you? You think I even dated you for you? I dated you because of a dare!” Taila spit at me, I feel tears forming in my eyes, I try and wipe them away but my hands were bound above me, I feel my breathing become sporadic as my father raised a whip and hit my back, I arched away but found it impossible as I was hung by my hands and my feet held in place by a pile of wood, I smelled gasoline, they were going to burn me alive._

 

_“Let me go, please, I promise I won't be gay anymore, I won't talk to alex anymore, just let me go” I say trying to plead for my life. They all laugh and my father whips me again, I almost black out from my breathing alone, I see black spots in my vision and I hear the sound of a match being lit, I gasp at the sudden heat at my feet, I feel the burn but soon blackout and wake to the fire creeping up my clothes, I scream at the pain and try and get away but can’t I feel the flesh of my feet burning and I start losing blood, I scream for so long I run out of breath, I try and breath but the carbon dioxide fills my lungs and I can’t._

 

“Crystal, Crystal wake up, you need to wake up, it’s all a dream, you’re safe, it’s all over” I hear Gerard say, I feel my body laying in bed, not tied, not on fire, I sit up quickly and almost jump out of bed but can’t due to the rush in my head, I fall back involuntarily when the dizziness overpowers my senses.

 

“What, what time is it?” I ask

 

“It’s around three in the morning, I was reading  next to the pool because I couldn’t sleep and I heard you scream” I nod, I hate nightmares.

 

“Are you doing alright?” I nod again and sit up, I push my bangs out of my face and throw off the covers before standing and grabbing Mel off the wall, I sit back on my bed and just start playing riffs. Gerard watched in contentment at my playing, watching my hand work expertly at my guitar.

 

“You seem to resort to music a lot” Gerard says and I shrug.

 

“Force of habit, Angry? Listen to loud music, Sad? Listen to soft music, Happy? Listen to fast energetic music.” I say and play a step down riff, starting at the top and moving down, repeating the same tune but in different octaves.

 

“You also draw, paint, colour?” I shrug again and go back up the fretboard.

 

“Creation, best form of coping with sensory overload, stressed because of school project? Colour a picture from a little kids booklet, upset with someone? Paint an abstract work of art, homesick? Draw things from your room off of memory.” I tell him.

 

“You’re smart, I don’t see why you have problems with other people” I just shake my head lightly.

 

“You miss the point, I’m smart, that is a reason to not like me, I’m talented, people don’t like being outdone, I cope well, people want you to suffer, to feel equal, to know there pain so they can laugh at you. I am far to mature for my generation, Generation Z will either kill this world or be killed in this war” I say and hang Mel back up on the wall. He has a grim look on his face, I know I deserve being hated by all the people who do.

 

“Do you want to go out on a late night run?” he asks, I nod and grab the leggings from the bathroom and slipping on a pair of black low top vans, Gerard hands me my leather jacket and we head upstairs.

 

“So where to?” I ask, he shrugs and we head to the car, he turns up the music so loud I almost forget how silence works, we drive until we are on an open road that makes me think of danger days. I sing along loudly to the song playing and we stop at a field, he turns off the car, and we climb out, I almost run but he hands me a blanket from the trunk and I have so many questions.

 

“Let's star gaze” he says and I lay the blanket out and flop back onto it and he lays next to me, I look up and see thousands of stars, I gasp and find as many constellations as possible, Gerard no to my knowledge was drawing me, I almost fall asleep looking up at the stars, Gerard had everything but the blanket and me in the car when he came over, it was nearing dawn so he let me sleep in the car on our way home.

 

“That was so much fun, I like doing that” I said just babbling sleepily, he smiled and we pulled up to the house, when he turned off the car I almost wanted laid down on the couch and go to sleep, when I get to my room I ditch my jacket and shoes before climbing into bed and sleeping again.

 

“Sleep well this time, I will see you later at breakfast, see you then little diamond” he says and leaves me to sleep. I jump out of bed when a minute passes and I head to my bathroom, I knew he went to bed because I didn’t hear the pool door open and his footsteps went across my ceiling, I also heard his drop his shoes by the door.

 

“Just get rid of the food and then we are doing situps and pushups” I said and I kneeled in front of the toilet, I stuck my middle finger and ring down my throat and I triggered my gag quickly, I kept making myself puke until I was dry heaving, when I had nothing and my stomach aches I forced myself to stand and flushed my stomach contents down the toilet. I rinse my mouth out and brushed my teeth before heading back into my room where I used the bottom of my bed frame to do sit ups, over 100 situps and I started doing pushups, about 30 pushups later I hear Lyn-Z walking around, I could hear the difference in their walking, I heard Bandits quick steps coming towards the basement so I did a few more pushups before climbing into bed and making it look like I was asleep.

 

“Crystal, can I come in?” Bandit asks, I roll towards the door and almost hit my head on my guitars above my bed, I sat up and answered with a groan, she opened the door and peaked in, I push my hair from my face and rubbed my eyes, I grabbed my glasses from my desk and slip them on.

 

“Whats up? You need something?” I ask tiredly, she shakes her head and comes over to sit next to me on my bed, I just sit there while she studies my face, I almost flinch when she raises her hand to brush her finger against the scar near my ear.

 

“What happened?” she asks, I shrug.

 

“My old family didn’t like that I like girls, they would hit me and one time my old father hit me with his ring finger and it left that scar” I say, she pouts a bit before leaning up and kissing it lightly.

 

“There all better!” she says, I hug her lightly and giggle with her.

 

“Thank you, now, help me pick my clothes for today, I’m thinking something like a rockstar would wear” she smiles brightly and we head to my closet.

 

“You should wear those leather pants you have! Oh and one of those tank tops and the checkered jacket shirt thingy, and you should put on your jewelry! Can I help with your hair? Or makeup?” I laugh and grab the pants and one of my haltered band shirts, I also grab the purple flannel she pointed too, I grab a fresh set of solid black underwear and the biker boots she hands me.

 

“How about, I shower and you can help with my outfit after, I might even let you put on my lipgloss for me, okay?” she nods excitedly, I grab a colouring book from my desk and a pack of worn down coloured pencils and a sharpener before giving it to her and setting her up at my desk, I put my Ipod on the counter next to the shower and play my shower mix, It was mostly Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco, a few MCR songs here and there but not many, I was in and out for my shower, just washing my hair and shaving, not really using hot water but not cold.

 

“Bandit, I just got out, if you give me a minute you can come in, okay?” She gives me an ‘MHM’ and I slip on my underwear and Pull on my jeans.

 

“Okay, you can come in” I say and pull the halter over my head, I pulled out my makeup and set it out on the counter.

 

“Can I do your makeup?” she asks, I smile.

 

“Maybe, but I want you to do my hair” I say and she smiles back, I sit down onto the floor in front of the floor length mirror on the door and she stands behind me with a brush, she brushes out my wet tangles hair, she parts it down the middle and pulls my bangs into the front of my hair and starts brushing all the water out, I hand her a comb when the parting starts coming out, she combs the hair back and draws a line with the comb pic and then brushes the sides down.

 

“You did good, do you want me to braid it?” I ask, she nods. I grab a container little hair elastics and I start doing cornrows, she claps when I finish one side, I had them all tied at the bottom and about halfway down, I did the other side and undid the bottom elastics and let the hair loose, she oohed and awed at how my hair hung, I grabbed my blow dryer and dried the bottoms of my hair.

 

“That’s so cool, where did you learn how to do that?” I shrug, I always liked doing alexandria's hair but she didn’t like corn rows, I learned for myself.

 

“Do you want to help with my makeup?” she nods fast, I stand again and grab her hands to pull her up, I lifted her onto the counter and she looked over my face, I would leave my glasses on for today.

 

“What do I do first?” she asks, I hand her my primer and toddler her how to apply it to my face, I squeezed out how much she would need and she rubbed it in for me, I then handed her my concealer, she put  three small dots under my eyes like I told her and she picked up the beauty blender without needing told.

 

“You pick up fast” I say and blend my under eyes because she didn’t like doing it, I blended it out quickly and gave her my eyeliner pencil.

 

“This is my new one so, do you want to learn how to do eyeliner?” I ask, she nods quickly, I tell her to close her eyes and I do a light line on her lash line, I then did my water line and upper lash line, I smudge out my eyeliner and grab my mascara and do it on myself to show her, she claps and asks me to do hers, I grab my clear mascara and do her upper lashes only.

 

“I don’t want mom mad at me for overdoing your makeup okay?” she nods and looks at herself in the mirror, I touch up my makeup one more time before letting my mascara dry some before putting my glasses back on.

 

“You look pretty” I smile at Bandits compliment before grabbing my Jeffree Star Weirdo Lipgloss, I put that on and let it dry before taking my black shimmer eyeshadow and adding a bit to the center of my lip and blending it with a small fluffy brush. I blow a small bit of glitter at Bandit before lifting her off the counter and tying my flannel around my waist and slipping on my boots, I had a pair of plain black socks in the boots already, I roll my jeans up to the top of the boots and safety pin them tight.

 

“You look really cool, like a rockstar!” Bandit says and I smile, I grab Zarah off the wall and put her in the flat case I keep with my Gator, I carry it upstairs with Bandit on my hip and my Leather jacket slung over the guitar case and bag being carried in my other hand.

 

“Hey mom, I brought you the delivery you needed” I said and dumped Bandit on the couch, she looks over and laughs, she looks over my outfit and smiles, I smile back and turn to bandit and tickle her. Dad comes downstairs dressed and freshly showered, he goes straight for the coffee and I head over to him and he smiles at me, I smile back and grab my morning medicine container and take my meds.

 

“You look awesome, where to today?” I shrug and lean onto the counter, he shaved his face today so he had babyface, I giggled at my own joke and he looked at me funny, I floof the bottoms of my hair and fix my glasses on my face, I had simple black plastic frames so they always slipped down my narrow nose.

 

“So what made you dress so badass today” he said in a low tone so bandit didn’t hear him curse.

 

“Bandit helped me pick my outfit today, you seem to be slightly matching me too” I say and point at his muscle shirt and black skinny jeans, I had on boots where as he had on black vans, I had purple dyed hair and his was brown, naturally, he had a leather jacket slung over his shoulder and I had mine over my guitar case, which was sat in the living room.

 

“You look awesome, like a rockstar, I wanted to know if you wanted to meet the guys” I look over at him quickly knowing he was talking about Frank and Ray, I nod quickly and grab a waffle out of the toaster, I heard Bandit’s footsteps coming over, I turn just in time to catch her right before she hit the ground, she looks startled but fine, I pick her up and hold he on my hip again and check her over one more time, she breathes deeply and when she breathes out it’s a bit shaky but nonetheless she was okay. I let out the breathe I was holding and set her down, she walks slower towards dad.

 

“How are you doin trouble?” he asks and takes a sip of coffee, she starts talking to him so I munch my waffle and fiddle with my flannel, I realize I didn’t have any jewelry on and Bandit still hasn't noticed my scars. I set my waffle down on a plate and quickly run downstairs and grab my cheap concealer, I start covering my scars and when I finish I put in my jewelry, just two lobe piercings and belly button, I put in black surgical steel studs and a simple black belly ring with a diamond on the top, I put a fake black septum clicker in my nose and head back upstairs knowing I didn’t look so insecure now.

 

“Crystal, why did- oh nevermind” mom started when I came back upstairs, I knew she was asking about why I ran back down all of a sudden.

 

“I just had to grab my jewelry and do some concealer I forgot to before” I say and rub the outside of my arm where there was no makeup, She nods and glances at my arms knowing where the scars were and seeing the makeup hiding them.

 

“How about some food?”I say and head over to where my waffle was still sitting, I take another bite and fiddle with my glasses, I needed the arm hinges tightened again.


	7. Vampires will never hurt you

“Hey, Crystal, you're good?” I nod and take the last bite of my waffle, I look up after a second recognizing the voice after they spoke, I whipped my head around and saw Alex standing behind me, I squealed and hugged her like there was no tomorrow. She hugged me back just as tight, I didn’t realize she had her surgery until she pulled away and I saw she was wearing a halter like me, a pair of ripped purple jeans, and black vans, he hair was down to her mid-back and dyed a deep blue. I didn’t realize my eyes were tearing until I remembered I was wearing makeup and forced myself to stop crying.

 

“Oh, my goth, You’re actually here, like you are actually standing right here, I can’t, how, what ,when” I tried to wrap my head around it but she just cut me off with a laugh and Charlie tapped me on the shoulder and I hugged him, now realizing this was his doing. I pulled back from the hug and punched him in the arm for leaving, he surrenders and rubs his arm from my hit.

 

“So, Crystal I heard that you were going to see the guys without me” she said and I looked back at Dad and he nodded. I couldn’t contain myself and I jumped in a circle quickly before calming down and pulling my Ipod out of my pocket and taking a photo of Alex and putting it as my screensaver.

 

“Can we go now?” I ask and Dad nods, I rush over to my guitar and bag and slip on my leather jacket and fix my glasses on my face. Alex gestured to my case so I set it on the couch and opened it, she gasps at the sight of Zarah, she was my first brand new guitar, I hold up a finger in gesture for wait, I run downstairs and grab Baby, I bring him back up in **his** case, she almost tears at the sight of the familiar blue case, I hand him to her and she holds him with confidence, when she opens the case she has a face of remembrance.

 

“Ok, now we can go” I say and close up my guitar case. We head out and I hop in the back of Dad’s car, Alex gets in next to me and Charlie and Dad get in the front, Dad has to turn down the music because it was still kind of loud from last night.

 

“Why was that so loud?” Charlie asked, I shrug.

 

“We never turned it down last night,” I say, “we went out stargazing” Alex looks over at me and I sign in my lap ‘I had another recessive dream, it was bad’ she nods so subtly I can only catch it.

 

“Why was the music so loud then?” Charlie asks, I shrug again.

 

“You wont get an answer out of me” I say and pull out my sketchbook and start sketching Alex, she doesn’t move very much except sitting a bit straighter. I did a full body sketch of her sitting in the car.

 

“Fine, don’t answer me, Gerard why were you out stargazing while listening to bowie at such a loud level?” Charlie asks Dad, he shakes his head and returns his focus to the road. I got the basis of my sketch and turn my body away from Alex and start filling in details, she looks over my shoulder, like she used to do she set her head on my non dominant arm, I laugh a little and keep drawing, I got most of the definite lines done before Dad stops the car and puts it in park, I close my sketch book and put my pencils away, Alex grabs Baby and I grab Zarah and my bag then we get out.

 

“So, where are we?” Alex asks, I look around, we were in a neighborhood and we were in front of someone’s house.

 

“Frank’s house, him and Ray are the only ones here, Mikey’s on his way, Ray brought his guitar, um, I called yesterday and he went and got bob’s old drums from the storage unit so we have drums” I almost die, I get to play Bob Bryar’s drums.

 

“I’m going to die, this is one of the best days ever” I say, he gestures towards the house, we walk up to the door and Frank opens the door before Dad knocks, I almost faint when he smiles at me, but it wasn’t from being star struck, no it was because I realized I was meeting MCR, I literally got the band back together.

 

“Hi, how are you?” Frank asks, I give a thumbs up and fix my rucksack on my shoulder and readjust my grip on my guitar case, Alex waved lightly and Charlie introduces himself when we walk in. I looked around, the house was decorated very nicely, mostly a more rustic or punk theme, a few brighter things thrown in but it was a good combo.

 

“We Are in the basement, the music room has a bathroom in it and I put a mini bar in the closet attached so the space is pretty much self sufficient, um, if you want anything help yourself, Ray’s in there tuning, he seems to be having trouble though” Frank says as we walk downstairs, the layout seems similar to our house, I look around the corner and sure enough the door to the room is the same spot, I enter and Ray is trying to do what I guess is tuning but he can’t get it on spot, I had Zarah which was what tuning he was trying to get because I hear him humming the note he wanted, I walked over and uncased Zarah and strummed the note, he looks up and nods, I trade guitars with his and start tuning with expertise fingers, I don’t even need the notes he plays to assist, I tune until I feel the same resistance in the string as when I play, I strum and sure enough it was perfect, He high fives me ad I take Zarah back.

 

“So you’re the amazing Crystal I’ve heard so much about” I nod and grab my drum sticks from my bag and go sit behind the drum set, I check heights and Charlie helps me adjust the set to my height.

 

“Hey, Alex, uncase Baby and check that he’s tuned” she nods and pulls him out, sure enough he was the same tuning he always is, the same tuning she left him in for me.

 

“All good, what do you want to play?” she asks, I just start playing the intro to Cemetery drive, she catches on quickly and joins in on que, I smile and find my element behind the drums.

 

“Wow, that was fast, not even here thirty minutes and she is on the drums” Charlie says after we played the whole song.

 

“Sorry, I just can’t believe I’m here, or that today is even happening” I say and he smiles at me warmly.

 

“So what did I miss?” Miley says when he walks in.

 

“You missed Crystal killing Bob’s drums” Franks says from his spot on the floor, he was replacing a guitar string, I laugh a bit and spin my sticks before playing the ba dum tss.

 

“Of course, anything **new** that I missed?” he asks, Alex raises her hand.

 

“I’m new” she says and the room cracks up, I almost fall off the stool from laughing, Charlie taps his throat and hands me my meds, I head to the wet bar and crack open a calorie free monster and throw back my meds, I take a few swallows of the drink and head back to the conversation.

 

“Hey, do you have a mic rig?” I ask and Frank points at a mixing board, I know my eyes lit up because Dad chuckles, I walk over and start making myself familiar with the board, I grab my zip drive from my bag and plug it in, I hear Charlie whisper ‘this will be fun’.

 

“So, Mikey do you want to hear that finished project you were nagging me to show you?” I hear him hiss, I laugh evilly before opening the track and playing it, I mega mashed The Black Parade album.

 

“Whoa, whoa, wait stop, ah, my head hurts” Mikey whined, I let the original mash play before opening my version, I remade the mash with my playing so it doesn’t sound as choppy as the original.

 

“Here’s the real mash, that was just to get the idea” I say and play the track, I hear footsteps behind me and Frank was standing next to me watching the sound bar, he watched me show him the layering and how many files went into making it, how seamless it sounded, he looked at the board and back at me, I nod and he grinned like a cheshire cat.

 

“You used this model board to make this? You recorded all of this, and layered it, and did vocals, and added bass, and mixed it, and everything?” he says dropping his mature facade and totally geeking out.

 

“You should have heard her play guitar by itself.” Dad says and Mikey seconds it, I shrug and disconnect my zip drive, I grab Zarah from her case and place her in my lap, Alex tries to hand me a pick but I refuse and start hooking up an amp and pedal board, I get that done and I set up a mic and I hooked up the board to record both the vocals and my guitar.

 

“You literally can do anything” Ray says watching me run around and set this up, I turn to him from my task and give him a cheshire grin, I return to my guitar and slip the strap over my head and start playing Teenagers.

 

“They're gonna clean up your looks with all the lies in the books to make a citizen out of you because they sleep with a gun and keep an eye on you son so they can watch all the things you do,

 

“Because the drugs never work they're gonna give you a smirk cause they got methods to keep you clean they're gonna rip up your heads your aspirations to shreds another cog in the murder machine,

 

“They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me they could care less as long as someone'll bleed so darken your clothes or strike a violent pose maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,

 

“The boys and girls in the clique the awful names that they sick, you're never gonna fit in much kid but if you're troubled and hurt what you've got under your shirt will make them pay for the things that they did,

 

“They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me they could care less as long as someone'll bleed so darken your clothes or strike a violent pose maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,” I pull away from the mic to play the solo, I add my own twist to it and take a deep breath before singing again, “they said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me they could care less as long as someone'll bleed so darken your clothes or strike a violent pose maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,

 

“all together now,

 

“they said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me they could care less as long as someone'll bleed so darken your clothes or strike a violent pose maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,

“they said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me they could care less as long as someone'll bleed so darken your clothes or strike a violent pose maybe they'll leave you alone but not me” I feel that last note resonate up my arms.

 

“Bravo!” Frank says and everyone claps, I bow quickly before handing Zarah to Alex, I head to the main board and started editing the recording, no autotune, just clipping the end and beginning for time, I plug my zip drive back in and copy the track onto it.

 

“Thanks, I worked hard on perfecting that solo” I said when they finally stopped clapping.

 

“You nailed that!” Frank and Ray said at the same time, I laugh a bit and walk to Mikey, he had his bass.

 

“Can I?”  ask him and he just shrugs before handing it over, I plug it into the same amp and I started playing Dance, Dance but changed it when I got a good grip on the strings, I pulled the strap over my head and tightened it to the proper height, I started playing I’m Not Okay, I didn’t sing this time just played bass.

 

“You like MCR FOB and Panic!, you can’t twerk you can’t name the top 20 tracks, and you can’t stop teasing your hair, face it it’s not 2006, I don’t want it to be 2006 I just want MCR back” I say when I finish playing. I hand Mikey back his bass and most of the guys were cracking up but Dad seemed to be thinking.

 

“You like D&D, audrey hepburn, fangoria, harry houdini, and croquet, you can’t swim, you can’t dance, and you don’t know karate, face it you’re never gonna make it” Ray says

 

“I don’t want to make it, I just wanna, rock” I say, finishing the phrase with the original script. Dads head whipped up when I said that and he quickly stood and headed to where my bag was, he grabbed my sketchbook and flipped to a clean page and grabbed my pencils, I watched as he started sketching, I pulled my Ipod out and took a quick photo and put my Ipod back in my pocket.

 

“So, seems like all the band would need to get back together would be a drummer” I say jokingly and the guys actually take it seriously, like they actually planned on getting back together.


	8. Honey, this mirror isn't big enough for the both of us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little short today sorry

“Crys, come here and tell me how this looks” I walk over to Dad and he has a drawing of me with the guys in Danger days attire, I liked it but I see that I had drum sticks sticking out of my boots, I look over everyone else and somewhere there is a reference at what they play, Frank had guitar picks on his belt, Ray had details on his gun that looked like a fret board, Mikey had a belt buckle that looked like the body of his bass, Dad had a bandana that had patterns that look like microphones.

 

“Is this some kind of idea you have for posters or are you just humoring me?” I say and he looks me dead in the eye.

 

“MCR5, smashing pumpkins theory, the white parade, everything. Band back together, 2019, the year of the killjoys” he says almost a whisper, I almost tackle him in a hug.

 

“Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!” I say and when I jump back everyone is smiling like they knew. They. Fucking. Knew. 

 

“You little shits you knew!” I said and hit charlie in the arm playfully, he laughs a bit and Alex backs up some when I turn to her, I almost tackle her but don’t, I take off my glasses and rub my inner eye because my eyes hurt.

 

“Well, I guess some food is in order” Frank says and we all head up stairs to the kitchen. He starts making sandwiches and setting out backs bags of chips, I munch some sea salt potato chips, Alex watched my every move while she ate some tortilla chips, I missed this.

 

“Crystal, Ham or Turkey?” I shrug, he puts both and a slice of cheese, I take the sandwich when he hands it to me.

 

“Thanks, question, can I have a Monster?” he nods and I look in the fridge, sure enough in the bottom there was a calorie free Monster, I grab it and crack it open.

 

“So Crystal, what’s your favorite album?” I go to shrug but stop myself and think.

 

“Black parade, favorite song from it is The End.” they all nod, I guess they don’t bet a lot of people who can name their favorite song. I take another bite of my sandwich and fiddle with the end of my shirt, I feel hot so I shrug off my jacket. Charlie was sitting next to Dad asking about something I didn’t want to know about, I fix my halter on my shoulders and finish my food.

 

“Hey, um, Crystal? You do know there are a lot of scars on your back right?” Frank asks,  I nod knowing how they got there too, he looks confused.

 

“How did they get there?” I look down at my lap and clench my hands into fists.

 

“My biological father whipped me, a lot” I say and rub my wrist, I remember the feeling of rope burning them, I was always hung from the ceiling.

 

“You were whipped? Why?” he asks, I look up at alex, we had matching scars on our backs, she pulled her hair away from her back and showed frank, I cringe at the sight of the scars.

 

“We were queer, she was a boy, I’m Pan and Genderfluid” I say and push away my emotions, he reaches for my hand, I let him hold it, he turns it so my palm is up and runs his hand up my arm, feeling the dips of my scars and knowing they were there just covered.

 

“I’m sorry you had to live with that, I hope you get your shot at life, I really do” he says and I smile weakly knowing he didn’t pity me.

 

“Let's get back to jamming!” Ray yells and I jump and nod before running downstairs and jumping behind the drums, I start playing Shoots and Ladders by KoRn, I sang along quietly knowing no one could hear me over the drums. Alex watched with pride in her eyes for my progress in music and social situations, the guys were watching me play and Dad was asking charlie things about my habits because I say charlie showing him my nervous habits.

 

“Knick knack patty whack give a dog a” I mumble the last line, Mikey claps lightly while Ray smiles wide, I stand from my seat and do a small bow then I move from behind the drums and grab Zarah and start plucking out a tune, I didn’t realize I was playing The End. until I hit my favorite line.

 

“If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me” I murmur not really finding my voice. Alex touches my shoulder and I look up at her, I knew she saw something in my eyes that I didn’t know I was showing so she lead me to the bathroom and I collapse into her arms, she didn’t expect this to happen because her arms are stiff when I fall into them, I feel the numbness returning, the feeling fading from my fingers and toes, slowly drifting up my arms and legs, until I didn’t feel anything but knew where contact was made with me.

 

“Do I need to get Charlie?” I nod subconsciously, she helps me into a sitting position on the floor because I couldn’t be trusted on my feet, I watched her disappear back into the main room and return with Charlie, and Dad.


	9. Bulletproof heart

“Charlie she needs to go outside” Dad says, Charlie agrees not realizing the situation, Dad saw it in the way I was sitting, he watched my breathing, I was on autopilot.

 

“Charlie now” he said and picked me up, I didn’t feel him touch me, I really didn’t know why, but I guess it was hard to feel past the fog filling my head. 

 

“Get the door, and grab her jacket and her bag, just that” he says letting his parental instincts kick in. I watch everything pass me by, slowly and fast at the same time, Everything in detail but passing before I understand them.

 

“Crystal, Crys, can you hear me? Do you understand what I’m saying?” I nod slightly and he lets out a breathe, I look down at myself and feel nothing but numb yet not empty.

 

“Can you speak? If not just don’t worry okay, breathe, okay?” I nod and try to control my own breathing, I managed but couldn’t feel the difference, I could only hear my breathing deepen.

 

“We are almost there, okay, almost outside” I look past his face and see the door to the outside world, I finally get the breathe out that I wanted when I make it, I made it, Outside.

 

“I can’t feel, I can’t, it doesn’t hurt but, I feel nothing, I can’t it hurts my heart, I can’t get it out” I say trying to find the words, slowly making the words form, forcing them to form.

 

“Crystal, I’m going to set you on your feet okay?” I nod and he lets my feet down, he holds my weight up but lets me stand. I see my feet make contact with the floor but I can’t feel my weight on them, I can see my body making itself stand properly but can’t feel my nerves reacting.

 

“Can you feel your shoes in the concrete? Do you feel yourself standing?” I shake my head no, I couldn’t feel the shaking, only seeing everything moving from left to right, he lets out a shaky breath, Charlie has never dealt with this, I know Dad has never even heard of this happening, I usually get one of these fits while laying bed.

 

“Do you need to go to the hospital?” I shake my head no again, I can overcome this.

 

“Do you want to walk around and see if that helps?” he asks, I nod a bit and he holds my waist a bit firmer, I force my body to make a few steps, I watch as I move, the feeling faint when my jean rub together at the sloppy placement of my legs, I feel foolish.

 

“You’re doing great Crys, just one more step, they’re getting better, stronger” he says and I see that my feet are planting frimer, I feel a bit of the wiggle my feet had in the boots I was wearing, I felt his hand pressing into my hip bone.

 

“I can feel small things, your hand, my feet moving in my boots, my legs touching” he smiles, Charlie comes outside with everything ad told him to get, he helped me slip on my jacket as the goosebumps rose on my arms, he holds onto my bag but pulls out my notebook, and a pen.

 

“Crystal I’m going to sit you down and I need you to write something, anything” he says and helps me sit, I nod slightly and notice the temperature change from the 54 degrees the air held, my legs are cold, my butt is cold.

 

“I can feel my butt freezing” I say sarcastically, Charlie puts the pen in my hand and I grip it tightly not being able to tell how my hand was holding it, I look at the paper, the dead tree taunting because my body can’t write, I set the tip of the pen to the paper and I make a line, and I put a line over it, T, I draw to lines next to each other but not touching and make a small line connecting them, H, I draw another line, I, I draw a curved line, S, I make another line, I, another curve, S, another, S, T, U, P, I, D.

 

“This is stupid, really, that's all you could come up with?” Charlie says, I shrug regaining some feeling in vague forms, like everything was muffled.

 

“Well if you wanted something more perfect write it yourself” I say, Dad shoots a look at Charlie.

 

“Write some more” he says and I start writing down song lyrics, The End.

 

“Okay then, song lyrics, well at least they are more complex words. How’s your feeling?” I shrug again and flex my fingers, I could feel them, faintly, but could feel them nonetheless. 

 

“I can feel some, but not much, like everything is there and I know it is, and if I wasn’t looking at it I wouldn’t be able to focus on feeling it” I say and he nods, I reach up to charlie and he gives me my bag, I fish out my sketchbook, I grab a pencil and hold it gently, I open it to a clean page and start drawing.

 

“That’s really cool, it looks like a striped flag” Dad says, I almost grab my coloured pencils but remember I left them at home.

 

“I wish I had my colours, I would colour it gay” I say and Charlie tries to hold back a laugh. God boys are dumb.

 

“You feel okay now?” he asks and I nod, I stand on my own but almost fall over on the steps, Charlie piggybacks me and carries me all the way down to the basement where Alex was riffing on Baby. I laugh when I remember why she wrote that riff.

 

“Wow, that’s an old one, I almost forgot why you wrote it” I say and she laughs, we have a lot of inside jokes.

 

“Well, I guess because it was a very old joke, one of the very few that go with this guitar” she says and sets down her pick, I lean on the wall and pinpoint what everyone is doing. Ray was talking to Frank, and from what I could hear it was about guitars, Mikey and Alex where now talking about unicorns, I guess because Alex had unicorn socks on.

 

“Hey, Crys, just so you know tomorrow is my last day as your full time social worker” Charlie says and I nod. He seems so sad but gives me a side hug before I walk over to Ray and Frank, they jump into conversation with me about guitars, I tell them about my guitar Rum and how I got him custom made and painted, he is my favorite to play at festivals because of the reactions I get for my riffs on a seven string.

 

“You are an amazing person, I can see why you seems a lot older than you are” Ray says and we start comparing calluses on our hands, I laugh when Ray shows me a scar from Frank doing something stupid on stage, I flip my head down and show them the scar I had from knocking over a scrim banner and it landing on me. They all stare at me in shock, I laugh lightly and flip my head back up, I stick out my tongue and show them the scar on my tongue from a dare, some idiot dared me to lick his guitar strings, knowing they were all very sharp and would cut my tongue. They hiss in pain themselves and I smirk.

 

“You haven’t seen anything yet” I say and pull up my pants leg, they both grimace in pain at the sight of the scar that runs up my leg, “it was from my snare drum, it caught my leg and ripped the skin, I needed eighteen stitches and I couldn’t play for two weeks” I say and they start showing off their band scars, I had Frank tenfold but only a little gain from Ray.

 

“Comparing battle scars, mean you should have me for this, I have most of my mouth tore up from Frank” he says and I roll my eyes, I pull back my top lip and move the flap of skin from my scar, it ran from my front two teeth to my wisdom teeth, they all applaud my scar and Dad seems surprised at the percent of my body that is scars.

 

“My body is about fifteen percent scar tissue, little is on the inside about three percent of my scars are interior, the rest is exterior” I say and they cringe again.


	10. You know what they do to guys like us in prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again a little short today

“So how was your day with the guys, was it good bad, too much, not enough, again, no?” Dad asks when we get home, I shrug and smile.

 

“It was fun, I want to get together again” I say and he lets me go downstairs to my room, Alex had to leave with Charlie to get back home on time before her building curfew, she said she would invite me over sometime to see her apartment.

 

“I definitely went over limit today” I say and add up all the calories I ate today, over 500, over 700, over 900. I sigh and head to my bathroom, I wipe off all my makeup and take off all my jewelry, I take out my hair and brush it before running the water in my tub to the hottest it can go, the water sends pain shooting up my arm when I test it with my hand but it numbs when I push my hand further into it, the water is never hot enough to burn but close. I get out my scale and weigh myself, 105.6 lbs.

 

“Hey, crystal, can you come out here for a second?” Dad asks and I walk out to my room and find he is holding my nightly meds, he makes me take them and leaves.

 

“Now to lose those fatty pounds you consumed today” I say and return to the bathroom, I peel my clothes off piece by piece as I walk over to the steaming bath, when I step in my leg numbs almost instantly, when I sit fully in the water my body burns with a dull ache to feel the temperature of the water.

 

“Hey crystal, It’s Lynn-Z, can I come in?” I hear outside the bathroom door, I lean back in the bath and cover everything before answering.

 

“Yeah, go ahead” I say and she walks in, she sees the steam coming off the bath but doesn’t say anything.

 

“You had a good day, so I heard, but I also heard about the numbness, You know how to handle it but I need to know if it’s something that has happened before” she says, I nod and she gives me a small smile but the feeling of it is grim and it doesn’t reach her eyes.

 

“It usually happens when have an off day, I usually lay in bed until it passes” I say and she leaves, I know she will be back but I have a bath to finish, when I start sweating I get out of the bath and drain the tub while starting the shower, I turn it cold.

 

“Hey, Crys, you okay?” I hear Dad say from behind the door, I give him a quick yeah before stepping into the chill inducing shower. When I get out I weigh myself and I lost at least two pounds, I burned off 300 of the calories I ate today.

 

“Crys I’m coming in, at least have a towel on” I wrap the towel around me quickly and go over to the vanity to make it seem like I was trying to do my hair, I end up brushing it when he comes in.

 

“You had a steaming bath and a cold shower, I can tell because when I came in it didn’t feel like a sauna. Whats going on Crys?” he asks, I shrug and run the brush through an extremely tangled part of my hair, the sound makes him cringe.

 

“Something’s wrong, are you trying to force yourself to lose weight?” he asks I look away from him and he sighs, I know what that sigh means, it means I’m going back to therapy.

 

“Look, I just have to do this to be happy with myself okay?” he gives me a sad look but he leaves without another word, I get dressed in a pair of XS Mudd FLX jeggings, black underwear and a black sports bra, I throw on the thinnest and loosest T-shirt I have. When I head out into my room I see the drawing Dad did sitting on my desk next to my drawing of me in The Ghost Of You.

 

“100 situps and 20 pushups, then If I haven't dropped I’ll purge” I whisper, _you should purge anyway_ , I get to work on the situps. At fifty I hear a knock on the door, I feel the burning in my stomach and back but keep doing sit ups.

 

“Come in” I say loud enough for them to hear. When Dad comes in I hesitate before doing another situp, I was at 60 now, he shakes his head in sadness before trying to start a conversation.

 

“Why are you doing sit ups? It’s going on 11 at night and you have had a very long day” he says and I ignore his words while completing another 15 sit ups and when I do that Gerard gets pissed and lifts me off the floor, he doesn’t do it harshly but when he sets me on my feet he it sending off waves of anger, I flinch when he lifts his hands again, his anger drops almost instantly and he seems frustrated, like he doesn’t know how to handle his own emotions.

 

“I’m not going to hit you but when I say you need to stop exerting yourself you need to stop because I care about you and want to see you happy, healthy, and in love with life” he says and when he sees how my frame is swamped in the shirt his eyes flash with pain.

 

“I’m making a parental decision that you are sleeping upstairs with me and Lynn-Z” he says and he leads me out of my room, the lights turn off behind us and he makes me walk ahead of his for the stairs, I race up them and when he gets to the top he gives me the same conflicted look as earlier. We walk up the next set of stairs this time together, he knocks lightly on his bedroom door before entering, the bed is huge and Lynn-Z is sitting on the edge of it when I walk in.

 

“Hey, what’s up?” Lynn-Z says when Gerard closes the door behind him. I shrug and sit beside her on the bed, I was slightly sweaty but still chilled. Eventually we all lay down, I lay across the foot of the bed cocooned in a blanket while they both slept normal.


	11. Teenagers

I wake up to Mom getting out of bed, I wait until she leaves the room to move, Dad was out cold. I snuck out of the room downstairs and carefully got down to the basement and back to my sanctuary.

 

“I hate myself, I’m nothing” I whisper and head into my bathroom, I weigh myself, I’m at 103.2 lbs. I lock my bedroom door and then my closet door and my bathroom door, I strip off all my clothes and weigh myself again, 102.9 lbs.

 

 **I hate you, no one loves you, you’re nothing, you’re nothing, you are nothing, YOU ARE NOTHING, You will never be ANYTHING.** The voice goes on making my head fill with hateful words and I hunch over the toilet and force myself to throw up until it’s only stomach acid and my body hurts, my stomach cramps from having nothing, I brush my teeth and gargle mouthwash before doing it again.

 

I walk into the closet from the adjoining door and grabbed a pair of black skinny jeans and a black mens undershirt, I throw on a pair of boxer briefs and put on two sports bras and wrap my chest with ace on top of that to compress it more. I throw on my black on black low top Vans, and brush my hair and do cornrows on the sides to make it similar to shaved sides and let my hair fall into a fohawk.

 

“Crystal, why is the door locked? CRYSTAL, open the door, Hello, OPEN THE DAMN DOOR” I hear outside my bedroom door, I unlock the closet door and head to the door, the second I unlock it Gerard and Charlie burst through. I roll my eyes and head back into the closet and lock the door behind me, I head into the bathroom and put in my contacts, I contour my face to make it more masculine, I shape my eyebrows and make them more defined, I look at myself in the mirror and I look like a guy, with purple fohawk hair.

 

“Hey, Crys, Open this door” I hear Charlie say, I unlock the door and flick him off before heading into the closet and locking myself in, I grab my oversized leather jacket and unlock both closet doors before heading out into my room, I grab gin and put him in a flat case, I also grab my Ipod before walking upstairs, I shock Lynn-Z because she wasn’t expecting me to look like a guy, Bandit gives me a curious look.

 

“You look weird Crystal, why do you look like a boy?” she asks, I set down my case and crouch down to her level.

 

“I like being both genders, but I’m mostly a girl, I like girls but I also like being a boy on days like today” she nods while I talk and plays a bit with my hair, it was wild and puffy from friz.

 

“So, you’re a boy, and a girl? But you feel like a boy today?” she says and I nod, she smiles and hugs me before I stand and head to the kitchen, I take my morning meds, almost gag but still take them.

 

“What’s with the getup?” Lynn-Z asks, I shrug and think up a way to describe it to her.

 

“I’m genderfluid, I felt like a boy today, I usually feel like a girl but I guess today Crys wanted out” I say and she nods, she hands me a waffle, I bite into it dry and I finish by the time Charlie comes back up Gerard carrying my scale while Charlie carried my box of Razors and Box cutters, he gives me a sad look before taking both to his truck, where I know he would burn them or take a sledge hammer to them.

 

“You know better Crys” is all he says before leaving me to answer Gerards questions.

 

“So, want to go somewhere? I hear behind me and see Gerard holding his keys, he was dressed in black jeans and a David Bowie shirt, he had his leather jacket over his shoulder, I grab my guitar and follow him to the car where he sets my guitar in the trunk and drives me to Frank’s house, he gets the drums from Frank who had them taken apart and ready to go, I knew how to set them up.

 

“Want to help me get this trouble maker to stress relief center?” he asks Frank, Frank smiles and climbs in the back squeezing his guitar in with him and the drums.

 

“So, you trying to rock the fohawk? Looks good, but I suggest teasing it more, you can tell it’s just frizz” Franks says and Gerard turns the music up, I just realize the CD was Smashing Pumpkins, I nod along lightly and fight the urge to get out my Ipod and sign into my tumblr and upload my latest body check, I was only 102.9 lbs this morning and only plan on maxing out at 500 calories today, if I can get away with it 300.

 

“Hey Crys, what’s up, you’re antsing” I look at Dad and shrug and pull out my Ipod and open my Tumblr, I upload my body checks and put up today’s weight, calorie limit, and gender.

 

“Whatcha doing there?” I hear over my shoulder, I jump and turn off my Ipod, I think Frank saw me looking at male thinspo, fuck, fuck fuck fuckety fuck.

 

“Nothing, why?” he raises an eyebrow, fuck.

 

“It looked like you were looking at emo hair, I mean, I suggested you put more effort into your hair but jeez, no need to want a haircut because of a comment” he says and I laugh, in relief and at his words.

 

“No, I was looking at local band members, I’m trying to find people who can sing, play and get along with me, not saying I don’t want you guys to have a drummer or anything but I want my own band, I want my own story, my own Fame, not someone else's” I say and unlock my Ipod to pull up my list of people I want to look into for my band.

 

“Wow, that’s cool, you already know who you want for a singer?” I shrug, all I have set in stone is, I am not singing.

 

“No, just me not singing” I say and fiddle with my belly ring, I put in a simple black ring last night sometime. I know I had no earrings in but I know the holes were obvious, I has two studs on each ear and had my hair in cornrows, you could see them.

 

“Alright, everyone out of the car, we have arrived” dad says and I grab my guitar, when I walk into the building I am greeted by a music center, with practice rooms for artists, the only catch was you had to bring your own instruments.

 

“Holy fucking hell, this is AWESOME” I say and help Frank get the drums out of the car, then someone comes running out of the building with a trolley, he helps us load the drums up and takes us inside, I carry Gin and twirl my sticks on our ride up to the practice floor in the elevator.

 

“So, you play both drums and guitar?” I turn to the guy helping us without equipment, I nod and twirl the sticks in two different directions on my hand, he gives me a cheshire and plucks the sticks and twirls them the same way and does a very cool trick I can’t even follow.

 

“You play drums?” I ask and he nods, “so you obviously know how to set up this kit, because I’m not the best at doing that” he nods again and gives me my sticks back, I run my hand through my hair and it makes it fluff more.

 

“So are you straight, CIS or something?” I ask and he shakes his head, he tugs on his name tag, it has a pan and trans flag next to his name, Gene, I loved it.

 

“Coolio, so you have a band?” I ask and his eyes brighten, I almost want to ask him if he would date a messed up psycho like me.

 

“We don’t have a name because we don’t have a vocalist and rhythmic guitarist yet, but we have on song written, we need a pretty gender neutral singer because we want it to relate to everyone possible, I mean I like the song, and I think if you heard it you would too, it’s called starry night, steering wheel, I mean I guess it helps to know it’s about midnight drives, like when someone is sad and just want to drive.” he says and we reach our floor, frank had got off two floors ago, with dad, we walk out and it’s almost empty because everyone that is there is all clustered on one side, probably a band.

 

“That’s the regulars, we usually don’t have a lot, you can set up wherever you want, I can help with the drums but you have to be able to do guitar on your own, we have mics and mix boards.” he says and helps me start setting up my kit, I start setting up my guitar to an amp and connect both that and a mic to a mix board and grab my in ears from my guitar case and plug the wireless adapter into the mix board, Gene was done setting up the drums, I gave him a high five and sit down at my kit.

 

I start by feathering the kick drum and start layering about halfway through my process of warming up I realize Gene was watching the whole time and recording it on his phone, I add some flare and when I finish my rounds I start the drums to Joyriding, he smirks and starts anew video, the people across the room are now startled by the fact I wasn’t being quiet, to hell with them.

 

“You are fucking great at this, can, and I don’t want to seem pushy by this, but can you play some guitar, while I play the drums?” he asks and I stand from my seat and hand his my sticks, I pick up gin and turn on my in ears, I put the amp on a loud but not too loud level.

 

“Mansons, nobodies?” I ask and he nods, he starts doing the drum line, I add in the guitar and I let the beast out.

 

“Today I am dirty, want to be pretty, tomorrow I know I’m just dirt,  Today I am dirty, I want to be pretty, tomorrow I know I’m just dirt, We are the nobodies, wanna be somebodies, we’re dead, we know just who we are, we are the nobodies, wanna be somebodies, we’re dead, we know just who we are.” I sing, head banging lightly,

 

“yesterday I was dirty, wanted to be pretty, I know now that I’m forever dirt, Yesterday I was dirty, wanted to be pretty, I know now that I’m forever dirt, We are the nobodies, wanna be somebodies, we’re dead, we know just who we are, we are the nobodies, wanna be somebodies, we’re dead, we know just who we are” Gene gets more confident in the drums and I start putting more force into my voice,

 

“Some children died the other day, We fed machines and then we prayed, Puked up and down in morbid faith, You should have seen the ratings that day, Some children died the other day, We fed machines and then we prayed, Puked up and down in morbid faith, You should have seen the ratings that day”

 

“We are the nobodies, wanna be somebodies, we’re dead, we know just who we are, We are the nobodies, wanna be somebodies, we’re dead, we know just who we are, We are the nobodies, wanna be somebodies, we’re dead, we know just who we are” he jumps up and I set my guitar down, he almost tackles me in a hug, he spins me around chanting something about being in his band.

 

“Okay, okay, set me down first” I say and he sets me down right away and makes sure I’m steady on my feet, he must have felt the remains of my binded chest because he looked over me with a new look in his eye, I held firm while standing and he starts asking me again about being in his band.

 

“Yes, of course, we can look for a vocalist faster with another person in the group” he gives me an odd look and almost frowns.

 

“You should be our vocalist, you’re perfect” he says and I almost laugh, he was dead serious.


	12. Thank you for the venom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> emanekaf is fake name backwards, pronounced eeh man eeh cough

I’m not the best person to ask to be the lead vocalist of a band but hell, he said he wanted me to be the singer and has already told his band members to end the search for both the guitarist and vocalist, I almost want to yell at him for making me the vocalist but he is too cute.

 

“So, did I miss something important or is this just how friendly staff is now?” I hear dad say, we were standing over the mixing board and trying to find out if we should use my pattern rounds for a song or use it as our bands signature, like what should we do with it?

 

“No, I just found a band that’s all, I mean I was looking to make one myself but fate is a cruel mistress” I say and shrug off my leather jacket, in the midst of all the banging around this morning I at least remembered to redo the concealer and foundation on my scars so they aren’t visible.

 

“Cool, Frank is headed home, we are actually donating the drums because we don’t need them anymore, Bob’s not coming back and we don’t need his drums when our new drummer has his own stuff, if you want I can leave you to meet the band if that’s what you want?” I nod quickly and hand him my drumsticks before he leaves, he waves to me right before stepping onto the elevator.

 

“Okay, here’s Morgan’s number, this is Kim and Gina’s numbers, this is my number and this is my brother’s number, he helps manage and is a few weeks away from getting his degree in music management, so he is our manager. If you need to text anyone, we are mostly open to midnight conversations and are glad to have someone as special as you in our band, and not to seem rude but you have my name and I seem to have missed your’s” he says being really polite.

 

“It’s Crystal, but I go by Crys today, you can also call me Em, my middle name is Emma, so feel free to use either, you will know when to call me which. It’s obvious, but just to clarify, I’m not straight, I’m pan, I’m not CIS, I’m genderfluid.” I say and his eyes brighten a thousand times.

 

“Are we going to just sit around or are we going to get to seeing the rest of the band” I say and we head down to the main floor where he clocks out and we head to a motorcycle, he hands me a helmet and I tie my hair back and slip it on, he climbs on and I slide on behind him.

 

“Hope you know how to hold on, I take back alleys” is all he says before making the bike roar to life and we speed off, about five minutes later we arrive and I peel myself away from him. I get my guitar from him as he had it strapped down, I pull my hair out and carry my guitar, I still had my inears hanging around my neck but had the wireless adapter in my case, I felt my Ipod buzz in my back pocket, I pull it out and see a text from dad.

 

‘Be home by 9 tonight, get someone to drop you off please’ I knew it had something to do with him doing MCR5 practice and Lynn-Z caught up with Bandit.

  


“Hey, Gene, I have to be home by 9, someone has to drive me home” I say and he snaps out of a daze while we walk up the path to the door of the house wew were at, I give him a lopsided look.

 

“Okay, whatever you say” he says and he knocks on the door in the melody to turkish march, I almost flip but realize people know classical music without obsessing over it.

 

“It’s open Gene” I hear someone yell from somewhere in the house, we walk in and are greeted by a woman in her mid thirties and had kind features. I offer my hand to shake and she hugs me, I lean into the touch almost instantly and she looks me over once more, I smile.

 

“You must be Crystal, I heard you go by Crys, is that right?” she asks and I nod, she was so nice.

 

“You are a sight for sore eyes, the band was getting antsy because they want to open for an upcoming show. If you need anything I’m usually not busy” she says and we head down to the basement, I walk into the room and am greeted by a full set up, almost as good as Frank’s music room, I look at the set up and find, it is in need of my organization.

 

“Hi, I’m Crys, I’m the vocalist and rhythmic guitarist, I don’t mean to be rude by saying this but, I am so happy you wanted me in this band because you need lessons on how to organize cords and adapters, you don’t even have surge protectors!” I say complaining, you can hear my voice is more feminine but isn’t very high, they all look me over carefully and the first one to speak is quite happy.

 

“Hi, I’m so happy to have someone here who can help us get this band into shape” a short but well proportioned girl says, I smile and she offers to shake my hand.

 

“I’m Gina, that grump over there is morgan and the only blonde here is Kim, Gene’s brother is at class right now, but you will meet him by 8 at least. We aren’t sure on a name but I guess with you we have more brains on it” she says and gives me a firm handshake.

 

“Thanks, I’m hoping to have you guys to my place so we can work with my setup because I need time to fix yours. I am excited to help you guys with making this band happen, but I have to know one thing, are any of you straight?” I say and everyone laughs, probably not.

 

“No, we aren’t we are all flaming queers, none of us are straight and most of us aren’t CIS either, I actually need to know what you are so we can put it in the album art idea list” Kim says and I laugh myself, I set down my guitar case and pull Gin out, I grab a pic and hook him up to an empty amp, I plug in my in ears with my wireless adapter, I noticed when I walked in they all had them hanging around their necks except for Gene who just got his and sat down at his drums.

 

“So, I came here to get a sound going, lets jam!” I say and set up a mic, everyone jumps into play, Kim plays lead guitar, shocking, Gina is Bass and Morgan is backing vocals and screaming, nice.

 

“Mama, we all go to hell, mama, we all go to hell, I’m writing this letter and wishing you well, mama we all go to hell” I play the intro and they all perk at the sound of MCR.

 

“Oh well now mama, we’re all gonna die, Mama we’re all gonna die, stop asking me questions I’d hate to see you cry, Mama we’re all gonna die” Gene layers in and I start nodding along in the breaks, Kim takes over the polka beat.

 

“And when we go don’t blame us, we’ll let the fire just bathe us, you made us oh so famous we’ll never let you go and when you go don't return to me my love, Mama we’re all full of lies, mama we’re meant for the flies, and right now they’re building a coffin your size mama we’re all full of lies” I sing and everyone is playing in sinc, my voice being level with them. Even morgan who seemed so grumpy when I came in is having a good time singing backings and harmonies.

 

“Well mother what the war did to my legs and to my tongue, you should have raised a bay girl I should have been a better son, if you can coddle the infection they can amputate at once you should have been, I could have been a better son, and when we go don’t blame us, we’ll let the fire just bathe us, you made us oh so famous we’ll never let you go she said you ain't no son of mine for what you’ve done, they’re gonna find a place for you and just you mind your manners when you go, and when you go don’t return to me my love.” I feel free, I’m playing the rhythmic guitar in a band, singing in a band and being more than my illnesses and more than my previous self.

 

“Mama we all go to hell, mama we all go to hell it’s really quite pleasant except for the smell mama we all go to hell. 2-3-4,” Kim play’s the solo like a boss, “MAMA MAMA MAMA.”

 

“And if you would call me your sweetheart I’d maybe then sing you a song, but there’s shit that I’ve done with this fuck of a gun, you would cry out your eyes all along, we’re damned after all, through fortune and flame we fall, and if you can then I’ll show you way to return to the ashes you call, we all carry on when our brothers in arms are gone, SO RAISE YOUR GLASS HIGH FOR TOMORROW WE DIE AND RETURN FROM THE ASHES YOU CALL” I finish the note strong and my guitar shakes with the endnote, Gene is the first to speak after, he literally jumps from behind his drums and hugs me.

 

“You are the best! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING THIS BAND!” he says hugging me and jumping, I feel y Ace wrap slipping some and when he finally pulls off me I ask for the bathroom, when I walk in I shut the door and lock it.

 

“Ugh, some days I hate my breasts” I say and slip off my jacket and tank top, I take the Ace wrap off completely and rewrap it tighter than before, my ribs don’t hurt so I didn’t do it too tight.

 

“Hey Crys, My brother just got home, he brought his girlfriend” I slip my tops back on and head back to the basement, I didn’t expect to see Alex with Gene’s brother, I want to hide, because here I am being a guy, where she is a girl and was a boy, I feel like a walking contradiction.

 

“Hey, I didn’t know you had Crys for your vocalist and rhythmic, I don’t even need to see tham to know they are here, their guitar is here and the setup is cleaner” I hear Alex say, I was hiding in the doorway trying to disappear.

 

“Hey Lex, what are you doing here?” I ask and she turns to me and smiles, she is proud of me when I embrace my boy side instead of compressing it.

 

“Just wanted to see the band practice with a full band, you know because it’s my sibling and everything, you know now that you guys have all your members and all of you are anything but straight and very few of you are CIS so you guys should be called something queer I guess” she says and everyone looks over from everything they were doing and Kim and Gina highfive, I get a cheshire grin, she gives me a funny look.

 

“We have a name!” I yell and everyone whoops and hollers in joy, I hug Alex quickly before running voer to Kim and Gina who were scribbling down the name and putting the list of songs they had written, we are now known as Something Queer.

 

“So, want to work on putting a voice to these songs?” Kim says, I nod and read over the lyrics to Starry Night, Steering Wheel.

 

“This is really good, we should plan on releasing this as a single and working on making an album of the rest of these, like lurring fans in and then springing the trap” I say and start tapping out a rhythm for the song, I feel my Ipod go off, I pull it out and turn off my 8:30 alarm, I need to head home soon.

 

“Hey, Gene, how far away is emanekaf street?” I ask and he does some mental math.

 

“About a five minute drive, you won’t need to leave till 8:50” he says and I nod, we have twenty minutes to nail this song, I grab Gin and tune him an octave down from the lead and Kim starts playing the melody of the song, I find a harmony and start playing as the rhythmic, Gina plays a bass line that gives a third aspect to the song, Gene starts tapping a BPM for the song and quickly jumps behind his drums, I put my in ears in and everyone else does, I run through the lyrics one more time before hooking my Ipod to the mixboard they had to control their equipment and started recording.

 

“Peering over the steering wheel and seeing stars, Looking back at sleeping figures in the rearview mirror, Seeing blurred and wanting to sleep, Pushing through to make it home” we had most of the intro down because me and Morgan are both singing, he is singing a harmony while I sing the melody,

 

“It’s like walking through a storm, With no where to go, You want to turn back, Or just let yourself give out” I sing softly, the guitar drops out first line, then bass, then drums until it’s just my voice on the last line.

 

“Seeing stars over steering wheels, Even the dark has it’s appeals, Shining moons and shooting stars, Make the journey not that far, Peering over the steering wheel and seeing star, Looking back at sleeping figures in the rearview mirror” we start back up instantly on the chorus, it is loud and full of emotion.

 

“Blurring road signs and headlights, Following maps and making turns, Wanting to pull over, Wanting to sleep forever” it was quieter and right after Kim goes into a solo, she rocked it.

 

“Seeing stars over steering wheels, Even the dark has it’s appeals, Shining moons and shooting stars, Make the journey not that far, Peering over the steering wheel and seeing stars, Looking back at sleeping figures in the rearview mirror” I sing with new found confidence and everything falls into place and the song truly sounds perfect as we play.

 

“Longing for home and seeing them in the backseat, Hoping for sleep and seeing others enveloped in it, Wanting to be done, Needing a moment of peace,” I pause right before the chorus, everyone else does the same and we slam into the chorus, “Seeing stars over steering wheels, Even the dark has it’s appeals, Shining moons and shooting stars, Make the journey not that far, Peering over the steering wheel and seeing stars, Looking back at sleeping figures in the rearview mirror” I launch into a repeat, I drop the rhythmic guitar.

 

“Seeing stars over steering wheels, Even the dark has it’s appeals, Shining moons and shooting stars, Make the journey not that far, Peering over the steering wheel and seeing stars, Looking back at sleeping figures in the rearview mirror” Gina drops the bass.

 

“Peering over the steering wheel and seeing stars, Looking back at sleeping figures in the rearview mirror,” Kim drops the lead guitar, “Peering over the steering wheel and seeing stars, Looking back at sleeping figures in the rearview mirror” and Gene stops playing the beat, my voice being the last thing heard.

 

“That was AWESOME” Alex yells and claps, Gene’s brother Kyle claps with her, I laugh and take out my in ear, I stop my recording and play it back, the song is about 4 minutes long and it sounds good, but with my setup I could get an even better recording and definite song time.

 

“Okay, here’s the first recording of our first song as a band, cherish this moment” I say and play the recording to everyone, they all seem shocked that it’s us playing, about halfway through it sounds even better.

 

“That was, for lack of better words, Fucking Epic” is all that Morgan says, he was singing echoes and harmonies.

 

“Yeah, and for lack of more time, I have to head home” I say and everyone groans because if I have to leave that means they have to leave, I shrug my leather jacket back on and put Gin in the case, I put my in ears away and put away anything I got out, I text dad that I’m heading home now, he sends back a smiley face and I head upstairs with Gene who hands me a helmet when we get to his bike.

 

“I said it was a five minute drive but in reality I can get you home way faster, hold on tight” he says and we race down the street and end up in front of our house in about two minutes, I climb off and take my guitar and head inside, waving once I reach the door.

 

“Hey munchkin, can you help me get dinner put away?” Lynn-Z asks once I get my stuff set down when I walk in, I nod and start putting things in the fridge when she hands it to me and wiping down the counter and table, I take my nightly meds and head downstairs with my stuff and plopping it down on my bed.

 

I head into my bathroom and instantly I start taking off my clothes piece by piece, I take off the ace wrap and take four deep breathes, I take off the sports bras and toss them on the floor, I step out of my boxers and step right into my shower, I turn on the hot water and start to wash.

 

“Seeing stars over steering wheels, Even the dark has it’s appeals, Shining moons and shooting stars, Make the journey not that far, Peering over the steering wheel and seeing star, Looking back at sleeping figures in the rearview mirror” I sing lightly and take out my hair, I wash it twice and then step out of the shower and wrap up in a towel. I grab a pair of boxers and a extremely loose tee shirt, I pull them on and head out to my room, I hang Gin back on the wall and put the case with my Gator and plug my Ipod in.

 

“Just sleep” I sing quietly to myself and flop back onto my bed, I crawl under the blankets and almost fall asleep instantly.

 


	13. Famous last words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was vain and added myself into the story as a side character, :p

“Crys, wake up, Crys” I wake blurry eyed and completely relaxed to dad coaxing me out of sleep.

 

“Yeah, I’m awake” I say stretching, he chuckles and helps me sit up.

 

“It’s time to wake up, it’s around 10, Charlie says you can’t sleep past 10” he says and I flop back onto my bed and roll over with the covers, I deserve a moment of teenage rebellion.

 

“Come on, get up, don’t make me dump you out of bed, I know I would hate this rule too but just get up” he says and I roll out of bed onto the floor and land with a thump, I stand and walk to the bathroom, Gerard isn’t fazed by the boxers and tshirt, they were booth really loose on me so they almost fall off all the time.

 

“I’m going to get dressed, be up in five” I say walking inside my bathroom, I wash my face and head into my closet, I grab a pair of red jeans, a Jack Daniels tank top and my black Doc Martens, I grab my only black lace underwear set and put them on, then get dressed.

 

“I chimed in with haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?” I sing quietly while walking back into the bathroom, I do a purple smokey eye and a gold wing, then put on better than sex mascara, and finally Abused by Jeffree Starr.

 

“Meh, a bit over five minutes but what the hell, I grab my denim vest with band logos on it and head upstairs.

 

“She has awoken!” I hear Charlie yell when I got upstairs, I roll my eyes and grab a waffle from Lynn-Z and take my meds, I drink a glass of orange juice with my waffle and sit next to dad on the couch.

 

“Why are you here Charlie?” I ask and he smiles, fuck.

 

“I heard you got into a band and I wanted to meet them” he says, fuck fuck fuckety fuck.

 

“I don’t have practice till noon, so I’m going to start planning how to organize their equipment, because it is a mess” I say and walk downstairs to my room. I gather all my extra power surge protector strips and velcro straps, I alos grab some zip ties and duct tape, I put them in a box and grab Zarah off the wall, I put my inears around my neck, I take off my denim vest and trade it for a black checkered flannel.

 

“Hey Crystal, do you want a phone?” Dad says from my doorway, I look over and nod, I have always wanted a phone.

 

“Please, please, please?” I aks and he chuckles and waves me over, I grab my ipod and my rucksack, he walks with me upstairs, I fiddle with my flannel sleeves the whole way upstairs.

 

“You don’t need to ask for something you need, I’m surprised that thing still works” he says, I laugh and hold my generation 4 Ipod touch close to my chest.

 

“I don’t know either. I guess because Charlie had it worked on everytime it acted up, I dunno” I say and walk to the door, I scuff my boots on the ground while Dad puts him shoes on.

 

“Well, let's get you a phone, do you want the Iphone or a Samsung?” he asks, I shrug, I mean I’m used to my Ipod but Iphones are a whole new monster.

 

“I guess and Iphone, Probably a 7, I don’t like really expensive phones that break easy but the 7 is good enough.” I say and fiddle with the case on my Ipod. I wanted to get an Otterbox but I kinda wanted an MCR phone case, screw it I’m getting an MCR sticker for my Otterbox case.

 

“Can I get an Otterbox case for it, I don’t want to break it in the first week I have it” I say and he nods, we were on our way to the nearest Apple store.

 

“If you want you can get a new pair of headphones, I know you have your in ears and everything but a good pair of beats can be a recording saviour, I can actually get you a pair of studio headphones in a bluetooth headphone casing” he says and I nod like crazy, I needed new headphones so bad, my had a crackle in the undertone.

 

“I’ll be back by noon right? Because the band wanted to come over to see my setup, is that okay?” I ask and he nods, YES.

 

“I also picked up two more amps from Ray yesterday for you, you only have the one practice amp and I thought you might need two more because you have a band, you have two mics and stand, you have drums, a keyboard and plenty of guitars, so you need the equipment” he says and I laugh, his habit of talking too much is uncanny.

 

“You know, I understood what you meant the first time” I say and we park, I get out first and sling my bag over my shoulder, we head in and are greeted by a girl about my height with dark brown hair and purple highlights, she had two lobe piercings and an industrial bar in her right ear, she had on black skinny jeans and her work shirt was a size too big and she had a flannel tied around her waist, she had the most gorgeous eyes ever, they looked like sunflowers on a summer sky.

 

“Hi, I’m Caroline, how can I help you today?” she asks, a slight southern accent in her speech, I lift my Ipod and she gasps at the sight of it.

 

“You still have a Gen four? You definitely need a phone, let me show you the 7, it looks huge compared to that but it works really well. You might want an Otterbox for it though” she says while walking with me towards the back of the store, the phone was huge and I almost dropped it because I couldn’t fit my hand around it.

 

“This is actually perfect, I can download the software I need onto here, I couldn’t do that before, thanks, can I look at Otterboxes now?” I ask and she shows me a whole bunch, I grab a black one and a car charger.

 

“Here’s your new phone, the regular charger is in the box, along with a new pair of apple earbuds, I see you already grabbed the case and car charger, I also suggest grabbing a power bank, they help a lot when your walking around in stores or at outdoor events, I know because one saved me at Warped one year, sorry I’m rambling” she says and hands me a black power bank, I had all black chords and a black phone, she put a black flat chord and wall adapter in my box, bless her soul.

 

“Thank you for the help, see you around” I say when we leave, Dad had placed the order for my headphones, I was setting up my phone with my Apple ID and Email, I get all my apps and software transferred while I plug it into the car, I had half battery, when we got back home I had seventy five. Dad puts his number and Mom’s, I put Charlie’s and Alex’s, I unlock my Ipod and open my note’s where I had the band’s numbers, I put them in and text out my new number, I get a few thumbs up and a lot of OKs.

 

“So, I have a phone, what do I do now?” I say and Dad laughs, we were just sitting in the car.

 

“Be a teenager” he says, I laugh now.

 

“I thought they scared the living shit out of you?” I say he shakes his head and we head into the house, my phone now in a case and fully charged was in my back pocket, I had all the chargers in my rucksack.

 

“Hey, Crystal, when is the band coming over?” Mom asks, I shrug and check the messages.

 

“Noonish, Gene should be here around quarter till” I say and head downstairs, I plug my phone in again and start personalizing it, I change my background to MCR lyrics, from The End.

 

“What games to get” I mumble to myself, I get Block! Hexa, Six! And Colorfy.

 

“Now to transfer my music files” I murmur to myself and open the Itunes app, I had about half of the songs transferred but someone knocks on my bedroom door, I stand from my bed and walk over, I open the door to Gene, he hugs me before entering at my invitation, he seems in awe at my neat setup that had two amps out of place, I didn’t get to putting them into my system yet.

 

“Hey, I was just setting up my phone, can you help me with this stupid password thingy” I say and hand him my phone, he explains it really well and I have my fingerprint on it and a number code that I will only use when my thumb gets too callused to work for fingerprint, Gene laughs at m and I toss my sticks at him and he jumps behind my drums, I laugh and walk over to Ivory and start playing my recording of bring me to life, I had Zarah hooked up, I put one of my in ears in and pick her up, I start playing on que.

 

“You know so much music!” Gene yells and plays the drums,I laugh and sing the whole song, by the time we finished the song, Kim and Gina had shown up, and when I head upstairs to get some Monster and a few snacks, Alex and Kyle show up dragging Morgan.

 

“Good, you three can help me carry snacks” I say and hand Kyle the monster while holding two bags of chips to Alex and handing Morgan a couple cans of soda, I grab the remaining snacks, which were candy cakes and sweets.

 

“Everyone is here, they’re all getting used to my set up but they like how organized it is” I say walking downstairs, Morgan jumps when the lights turn on for the stairs but I just nudge him along with my foot, we get to my room and I dump my arms on my bed and point to the clear space on my desk to set the drinks down.

 

“We might run through starry night steering wheel again, but first I have check your model in ears so I can sync them to my main board, I already did everyone else's so I need to do yours” I say and he hands them over I jot down the model and number, I head to my main board and add it, he puts one ear in and nods, he got the static.

 

“Okay, I have a mic set up, check the corner and you will find it, I also have this all set on my secondary board so check it if you need to know something” I say and put on my old headphones to do a beat test, everyone jumps when I send out a beep, okay everyone’s good.

 

“Okay, let's run through a practice song” I say and take off my headphones, I grab Zarah and put my in ears in, I start playing Na Na Na and Morgan jumps into action, we yell the Intro together. About halfway through the song, Dad was in the doorway watching me sing his song with a band.


	14. Sing

“THAT WAS AMAZING” I hear Alex shout, I laugh and take out my in ears, Morgan gave me a highfive, gene was high fiving his brother and I was kind of standing out, I was the only one who wasn’t really close to anyone.

 

“You nailed that song better than I did” I hear my dad say, everyone who hadn't met him kind of stood stiff.

 

“Hey Mr. Way, How are you?” Gene says and dad goes from normal guy mode to parent.

 

“Fine thank you, how’s practice going?” he says and a few of us shrug, some give a thumbs up.

 

“We are about to work on some more songs, we only have one really completed, I was going to crack out my journal and flip through it and find some stuff that isn’t too depressing” I say and he nods before heading back upstairs, it was going on 12:30 and we had only gone through one song, we need to get on this.

 

“I have a journal with some song ideas, If you want we can go through it?” I say and everyone jumps onto my bed with me, I laugh and head over to me desk and Grab the journal from the stack.

 

“Long night children, Steps to recovery, Why should you, Time to heal, you guys pick, which one do you want to hear?” I say and Gina reaches for the book, I let her take it and show her the pages with the songs I named, she skimmed them and pointed to Steps to recovery, I grab Mel off the wall and sit on my desk chair, I start strumming a melody and start singing.

 

“I am distracting my mind, with this rhyme, to avoid the question of am I fine, and I will try all the time, to help you believe I am fine, but I am telling you a pure lie,” I look up and everyone was listening intensely, “I can only try to get better, But my mind is getting heavier, I can’t take the steps I need, My last resort is to leave, I want to keep moving forward, But my hate is self centered,

 

“I just want my life to get brighter, not better, I have no reason to be sad but my mind is wrong, none the wiser, And all I want is to feel happy for more than a moment, It hard to not feel guilty about feeling anything at all, So instead of walking forward, I guess I’ll have to crawl” when I look up this time they all had a knowing look, whether it be experience or association.

 

“As the days fade to grey, and the numbness melts away, I feel the sadness creeping in, bringing sleepless nights in it’s win, I know of the anger with myself, and try to keep it on the shelf,” I keep playing even though I feel tears threatening to flow, “I just want my life to get brighter, not better, I have no reason to be sad but my mind is wrong, none the wiser, And all I want is to feel happy for more than a moment, It hard to not feel guilty about feeling anything at all, So instead of walking forward, I guess I’ll have to crawl” I strum a short solo.

 

“I am distracting my mind with this rhyme, to avoid the question of am I fine, and I will try all the time, to help you believe I am fine, but I am telling you a pure lie,” I pause to breathe, “I just want my life to get brighter, not better, I have no reason to be sad but my mind is wrong, none the wiser, And all I want is to feel happy for more than a moment, It hard to not feel guilty about feeling anything at all, So instead of walking forward, I guess I’ll have to crawl” I hear people starting to breath as if they were crying.

 

“And all I want is to feel happy for more than a moment, It hard to not feel guilty about feeling anything at all, So instead of walking forward, I guess I’ll have to crawl” I strum the last note and look up to see Alex and Gina crying, Morgan was looking at me like I was going to disappear, I look at Gene he gave me the look I hate, and Kim was holding her arms close to herself, I feel bad.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that the song would make you guys upset, I wouldn’t have played it if I had known” they all look over at me like I was telling them about me being in the russian circus.

 

“We asked to hear it, and if we reacted that way and don’t even know the background of the story imagine how others can react, it’s a good deep song” Gina says and walks over to hug me. I reach up and wipe her tears, she smiles slightly and everyone gets up and hugs me.

 

“You’re going to make me cry!” I say trying to lighten the mood, people chuckle but I end up laughing because I had my waterproof eyeliner on, why was I worried.

 

“I forgot I was wearing waterproof eyeliner!” I say in the midst of my giggles, people crack up and I think of nowhere else I’d rather be.

 

“We have to have a sleepover, all of us!” I say and everyone cheers for it, Lynn-Z just so happened to be coming down to check on us, I ask and she gives in, we all cheer and I offer some of my sleep clothes, the guys take my guys clothes quickly and I grab a pair of XS Mudd 24/7 legging and a faded band tee.

 

“It’s only going on seven, lets work on some more songs, no more from my journal tonight” I say once everyone is dressed for bed.

 

“Okay, but first twenty questions” Morgan says, I feel my anxiety start to grow, I hate twenty questions.


	15. Cemetery drive

“First question, for crystal, have you ever been kissed?” Morgan asks, I sigh and start counting on my fingers.

 

“Let’s see, one two three four five six seven eight, I guess that counts as one, ten, twelve, fourteen, yeah over twenty times” I say, one question for me down.

 

“Um, Gina, have you ever worn something you thought would look good but realized it didn’t out in public” I ask, she nods, one for her down.

 

“Morgan, first time you ever painted your nails black?” she says, he shakes his head.

 

“It was once, for halloween in freshman year!” he says, I laugh, he turns to me.

 

“Second one for crystal, have you ever got in a physical fight?” I laugh lightly trying to make the situation sound not as severe as it was.

 

“I may or may not have hypothetically beat the living shit out of the ‘trained professional’ who was trying to make me straight” I say and put quotations around trained professional, I guess my dad making Alex take karate wasn’t a waste of time, she taught me too.

 

“Wow, okay, was this some sort of preface to conversion therapy kind of psychologist? Or like during?” Kim asks, my third question.

 

“During, I was on the second stage, they were trying to make me believe dysphoria was a sin, I wouldn’t crack so they tried to use shock therapy on me, I pretended to be asleep when they came for me and when they tried to touch me I went ape shit on them” I say and Alex gives me a proud smile.

 

“Okay, so only sixteen questions left for you after this one, are you planning on re dyeing your hair?” Gene asks, I shrug.

 

“Maybe, probably back to black like before, I don’t know if I will do that or get the ends green, maybe do black to green fade.” I say toying with my hair, I might get the gayest girl haircut I can.

 

“Fifth question, why do you have so many guitars?” Kyle asks, I lean back onto my elbows.

 

“I like how each sounds in a certain tuning and I have five from music festivals I played and six for major depressive set backs I recovered from, I mean, Charlie got all my financial aid until I got adopted, he does at least ten child cases a week and sorts children to good homes, I love the guy but he is extremely busy with his job.” I say and people nod.

 

“Six, how did you learn to scream?” Gene asks, I look at Alex and she smirks.

 

“I taught myself, I was about thirteen when I started learning, I would play as many manson and five finger death punch songs as I could back to back and work my way up from whisper screaming to full blown screaming over the course of a month, I obviously blew my voice more than once and couldn’t talk for a week, but I managed to learn the right way to work my vocals.”

 

“Seven, when did you get your belly button pierced?” Kim asks, I give her a weird look, how did she? “I saw it when you leaned back, your shirt rode up, it looks really good on you” she says, I roll my eyes.

 

“I got it last summer, Charlie let me do a paid internship at a library, I saved all the money from it for my piercing, I had money for the rings and crap because I only order from Bodycandy, I had to wash it out with salt water at the end of every bath or shower I took, It burned like a bitch.” I say and Gina leans across my outstretched legs.

 

“Eight, how many people have you dated?” Gina asks.

 

“One person, she was a bitch, who was working for my dad to make me want to be straight” I say and give Alex look, she returns it.

 

“Nine, Have you ever been kissed outside of that relationship?” Gene asks, I wiggle my eyebrows.

 

“No actually, even though I wanted to make her see she had no effect on me I never kissed anyone after her” people awed and Gina sat up and scooted in close, she was now sitting on my lap, if I had a dick she would feel it.

 

“Ten, can I kiss you?” Gina asks, I roll my eyes and nod, she gives me a small but full kiss.

 

“Thanks for the PDA, eleven, when did you get your drums?” Kim asks I have to count on my hands.

 

“Six years ago, I had to get all A's in school” I say, I grab my most recent progress report and show them.

 

“I have to keep all As to keep them, well when I lived in the foster home” I say.

 

“Twelve, are you going to go to public school now that you have a permanent address?” Morgan asks, I shrug.

 

“Maybe, I have never been good with schools but I guess I could try” I say and Gene cheers.

 

“Thirteen,  what grade are you in or going into?” Kim asks.

 

“Junior year, I actually could be in senior year but doing four years of high school would help my GPA,” I say, “I had good grades but from my quarter off dealing with recovery I let my grades slip in freshman year” Alex looks over, she didn’t know about that because it was the year after I lost touch with her.

 

“Fourteen, do you speak any foreign languages?” Gina asks, I laugh.

 

“Oui, je parle francais, c’est facile” I answer, Gina giggles and hugs my waist while leaning into my shoulder more.

 

“Fifteen, your favorite outfit?” Kim asks, I jump up and run to my closet.

 

“I’ll show you but Alex needs to help” I say and she jumps up knowing which one I was talking about. I grab my red plaid overall skirt, a black long sleeve, worn fishnets, and my favorite pair of black boots, I head into my bathroom and quickly braid my hair.

 

“Okay, I love this outfit because it’s the first thing I bought myself when I left my parents and started my new life” I sy and do a small spin, Gina and Kim gauck while Gene gives the outfit a skeptic look.

 

“It doesn’t fit you right, it looks too big” he says and I shrug and put my hands in the pockets on the skirt.

 

“It has pocket I don’t give a flying fuck” I say and plop onto my bed. I stand and take off my boots, I grab my ballet flats and lace them quickly, I step into first and Alex grabs my rug quickly and rolls it, leaving the floor bare hardwood.

 

“I’ll show you why I chose this outfit, it’s my favorite because I could picture it like this” I say and launch into second, I go through the basic positions and start my favorite dance routine. When I finished I was panting but had barely broken a sweat, Everyone was clapping.

 

“Okay, I guess I can see why you like the outfit, but I still want to retailer it, you wouldn’t mind right? I can reverse anything I do, I won't take off any material just restitch the seams tighter” he says, I nod and go and change back into what I was wearing.

 

“Sixteen, how are you so skinny?” Kim asks, I look down at my hands and chip at the polish left on them.

 

“I’m anorexic and bulimic, I have been for three years, I have tried to recover but have only made it so far before relapsing, just yesterday I had a setback” I say and instinctively wrap my hand around my wrist, my pinky wraps all the way to my thumb, that’s fucked up.

 

“I’m sorry I asked, I wish I could help but two alcoholics can’t get each other sober” Kim says, I look up and see her understanding look, I launch at her and hug her to death.

 

“On a lighter subject, seventeen, do you want to get any tattoos?” Morgan asks, I nod and start explaining all of my sleeve ideas.

 

“I want to get a lesbian flag done on this arm and a semicolon and roses and cancer awareness and, oh god I’m rambling” I say and pause my hand where it was pointing to my arm.

 

“No you weren’t you just got excited” Gina says, she sits down in my lap again, this time straddling me.

 

“Eighteen, most painful piercing you would ever get?” I think for a minute.

 

“Skin divers on my hips and collar bones, or my septum” I say and a few people cringe but I see Gina rub her nose, she had a retainer in, I could see the white peeking out of her nostril.

 

“Nineteen, favorite colour?” Kim asks.

 

“Red, like a sunset on a humid sky, like the gloss of a rome apple, like the blush of a friend who was laughing too hard.” I say and Gina giggles.

 

“Twenty, wanna go out?” Gina asks, I look down at her and smirk, she giggles.

 

“Yes, I will, now you guys get an extra question because Gina wasted two” I say and Morgan jumps forward.

 

“Do you need a binder? I saw ace wrap in the closet and that’s not safe to bind with so I could give you my old one” he says and I nod, Alex smiles and Gene grabs his bag from the corner, they were all stacked up.

 

“Who wants to play truth or dare?” Gene says and puts a spinner in the middle of our circle.


	16. I'm not okay

TRIGGER WARNING detailed descriptions of self-harm and possible triggers for depression, eating disorders, and anxiety

It was 7:30 when I wake up in a pile of limbs and blankets, I don’t remember falling asleep but everyone else was out cold long before me, I was up doing sit-ups most of the night and whenever someone would stir I had to stop. When I finally passed out I crawled over to the pile of people sleeping on my bed, I was on the floor next to my bed so I didn’t expect to wake up with everyone else on the floor with me besides Alex, Morgan, and Kyle. They seemed to be loners anyway.

 

No one else was awake yet and I didn’t know when they all fell off the bed onto me but I guess no harm done. I untangle from everyone and head into my closet to get dressed, I grab some black jean shorts, they barely covered my ass but they looked good, a cut up MANIA shirt, a black bra and thong, and my black converse. I walk into my bathroom and lock both doors, I turn on the shower and start taking off my clothes, once I step into the shower I feel an overwhelming amount of sadness wash over me, I drag through my shower routine and once I get out I can barely put in the effort to put on my clothes.

 

“Hey Crystal are you in there?” Morgan asks, he seemed to be the only one awake. I give a short reply and finish tying my shoes. I unlock the doors and he walks in slowly, I turn to my mirror and start brushing through my hair, I barely get a few strokes in before morgan stops me and starts brushing it for me.

 

“You can’t just rip through your hair, it’s bad for the scalp and makes you shed hair faster, by the looks of it you have thin hair, to begin with,” he says and starts at the bottom when he finished it has most of the water brushed out.

 

“Thanks,” I say and twist my hair gently to wring any water left out. I run a comb through it and grab some small hair elastics, I part my sides out and tie the rest up in a sloppy bun.

 

“You don't mind if I use the bathroom, right?” Morgan asks, I nod and turn to my small makeup mirror to give him some more privacy, I braid my sides in french braids and do a braided mohawk pulling the end tails of my dies into the braid. I start with my makeup when I finished, Morgan left after washing his hands and by now two more people were awake because I heard people getting dressed in my closet.

 

I do makeup light today, a soft brown smokey eye and nude lips, my base only being concealer and blush. When I finally walk out of my bathroom nobody is as ready for the day as me, I realize I don’t have either my glasses or contacts because I tried to walk to my bed and stumbled because my depth perception is off.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Kim asks, I nod and hold onto things as I walk past, I get to my bed and grab my glasses off the nightstand where I foolishly left them, once I put them on I sigh in relief.

 

“Anybody want breakfast?” I ask and people nod, some people still asleep wake-up and sit quickly at the sound of food. I motion to the door and people follow, some in clothes, some in pajamas. I get upstairs and head to the kitchen, I take my morning meds and mark on my chart when I took them -usually, when someone gives them to me they mark off- and I start making breakfast.

 

“Eggs or pancakes?” I ask, I get a mix so I start making both, “anyone want anything that isn't scrambled?” a collection of no’s and a yes from Gene, I make his fried egg first and then I make everyone else scrambled eggs and pancakes, I make a few extra because Dad comes downstairs a the sound of teenagers sitting around in his house.

 

“Pancake report?!” he asks as I plate the food.

 

“Looking good sir, very fluffy” I state seriously and lose it after. We laugh a bit and I offer him his food, I clean up everything and pour drinks, mostly milk.

 

“You took your meds right?” Dad asks while munching on his eggs, I nod and chew on my pancakes. We all eat before heading back downstairs to get dressed and collect our stuff. Once everyone was ready to leave or saying goodbye I start cleaning my room, once I finish I lay back down in my bed face down, I don't even look up when someone knocks on my door, or when they walk in.

 

“Crystal I know you aren’t asleep,” dad says before sitting down next to me, I groan in response before rolling onto my back. “What's wrong?” he asks

 

“I don't want to talk about it,” I say before tossing my glasses off and rolling away from him, he doesn't leave but he does pick up my glasses and put them on my nightstand.

 

“I’m going to grab your other meds, don’t do anything stupid,” he says before running upstairs, I barely move because I feel so  _ heavy _ , and moving takes up space, and  _ I’m a waste of space _ . Dad comes back quickly and hands me a black pill and water, I barely sit up to take it before flopping over and returning to my destructive thoughts.

 

“Talk to me,” he says, it was more of demanding than asking.

 

“I don't want to,” I say and grabbing a pillow to block out noise, _ you are just annoying to everyone around you, you only make them upset, no one cares, you are  _ **_useless_ ** _. _

 

“Don’t make me call your doctor, I will make you go back?” he says and I groan, I hate my therapist, not because they aren’t good at their job, but because I just hate talking about my feelings.

 

“Why do you even care?” I say, “I’m just a depressed kid who will either end up in a dead end job or just plain dead” I don’t even have to look up and I know he is giving me the sympathetic look.

 

“You aren’t going to end up dead, you're not going to be stuck doing something you don’t enjoy, you will overcome this, I believe in you” he says, I nod and he leaves me alone, I fall back asleep for a few hours and when I wake up I see it’s almost 2. I groan and drag myself into my bathroom, I take off my makeup, I don’t know why I put it on this morning. I run through my skincare routine and put my glasses back on before forcing myself back upstairs where I find, I was home alone.

 

“HELLO?” I yell to guarantee, no response. I run upstairs to Mom and Dad’s room, I head straight to their bathroom and steal one of Mom’s razor blades, I don't have any because they don't trust me. I grab scissors and cut the sides off and break the packaging apart before grabbing the trash and throwing it away in the kitchen trash. I take the blades downstairs and hide them in my closet, underneath a pile of long sleeve shirts, I grab one of the blades and lock myself in my bathroom.

 

“I’m nothing” one cut “I’m annoying” two cuts “I’m useless” three cuts “I’m a waste of space” four cuts “All I ever do is make people upset” six cuts “Nobody will miss me” nine cuts “I don’t matter” twelve cuts. Knocking on my bedroom door snaps me out of my state, I rinse my arm and yell out “I’ll be out in a minute” my bedroom door opens and my bed squeaks. I rinse the blade and quickly hide it while pulling on a hoodie, I walk out and see dad sitting on my bed, he has a tea from Starbucks in his hand for me, I take it with a smile.

 

“Are you cold?” he asks, I nod

 

“I’m always cold, but especially now,” I say, he rolls his eyes.

 

“Put pants on, you won't be as cold,” he says pointing out my legs, I scoff and take my tea with me as I walk upstairs. I wave to Mom who is working in the kitchen and head outside, grabbing my bag from its hook by the door. Once I get some distance from the house I get the first aid kit from my bag, I get the gauze and peroxide out before taking off my hoodie to see beading on the cuts and places where it has run down, the first five or so were really shallow and had barely any blood coming out but from there they got deeper and had really bad bubbles and streaks of blood.

 

I put my arm out and pour the peroxide on it, I stifle a scream before shaking my arm off and wrapping the gauze around my arm, securing it and then wrapping an ace bandage over it to keep it in place.

 

I shrug the hoodie back on and thank myself internally that it was black. My phone rings and I see it’s dad, I decline the call and shut off my phone. I hear honking behind me and see Kim in an old black pickup truck, I walk over and climb in.

 

“What’s up with the hoodie in late July?” she asks, I shrug, and as soon as I do I get chills.

 

“I’m cold” I answer crossing my legs under me as I buckle my seatbelt, she pulls out onto the highway off of the main road and we head towards a mall. Once we get there I turn my phone back on and find three texts from dad and one from mom. I open moms first ‘you need to eat lunch while you are out’ I send her a quick ‘ok’ and then open dads ‘you didn’t eat lunch’, ‘don’t hang up on me’, and ‘you better not be with guys’ I send him a middle finger emoji and close the messenger app.

 

“What are we doing at the mall?” I ask when we park, she grabs her purse and we get out.

 

“Whatever we want,” she says while I shoulder my bag. I head straight to hot topic and grab a few band shirts, mostly ones I didn’t have and one I already had in long sleeve. I get a pair of elbow length gloves in a galaxy pattern before getting a few pins for my school bag that I have to get soon for a senior year. I check out and head for spencers knowing that Kim will find me. 

 

I get a set of earrings and a pair of knee-high socks, along with a new set of guitar picks. I head to the jewelry kiosk for a new set of piercing studs and finally find Kim in journeys, I grab a new pair of black doc martens in a matte gloss before I finally stop shopping. She got a few things from the stores she went to and we stop at the food court, I get a fruit smoothie that tasted so gross but it had the least calories in the whole mall.

 

“Are you going to eat?” Kim asks, I shake my head no and finish my drink, she sighs and eats a small fry from some burger place.

 

“I want to go home, how much more shopping do you want to do?” I sign out. She shrugs, I groan and dig out my phone, I had a few more texts from dad, so while she dragged me to another store I read them. ‘You don’t talk to me that way’, ‘where are you’, and ‘you are so in trouble when you get home’ I roll my eyes and close the app, we end up at urban outfitters, I see they have a sale on jeans.

 

“I might get a few pairs of jeans,” I say and check my savings, Charlie gives me about two hundred every two weeks for shopping because I have a lot of money saved up from gigs and my extra support money: I have about 46 dollars.

 

I look at the black skinny jeans in double zeros and find three pairs that had the nice texture and good rips in them. “You sure this won't be too small?” someone sneers behind me, I turn to see one of my old foster sisters, “I mean, you have gained like twenty pounds” she says, she was the main reason I lost enough weight to be hospitalized, why I was under ninety pounds at one point.

 

“Leave her alone” I hear behind me, I turn and see Kim. 

 

“Why should I, I mean she is just a nothing and should die” she spits, I clench my fist, I hand my bags to Kim before I walk closer to the bitch.

 

“If you don’t stop I will put my foot up your ass,” I say an inch away from her face, she tries to claw at me, I grab her wrist twist it behind her back and push it up between her shoulder blades. She starts apologizing in seconds.

 

“That’s what I thought,” I say and she leaves the store, Kim gives me my bags back and I buy the jeans I wanted. We leave the mall and I dread going home.

 

“My dads mad at me, I pissed him off and I don’t want to get grounded when I get home, can you drop me off a block away so I can sneak in?” I say, she nods. Once I get out I carry my shopping bags around to the back of the house where the pool window is, I unlock it and climb down into the sill, I set my bags down on the floor before dropping down. I grab everything and head to the door, once I get to the door I peek my head out to check that no one is waiting for me.

 

I head across the hallway and open my bedroom door, I look in and see no one in my room, I close the door behind me.

 

“That was close” I whisper and start detagging all the clothes I bought and putting them in my clothes hamper. I unbox my doc martens and swap out the dead ones, they were almost falling apart and the insoles were peeling, they lasted a good two years. I unpackage everything else and put them away before grabbing my phone and sneaking upstairs, I smile when I see no one in the main living area and break for the door, I make it and quickly open and close the door like I just got back, I even take off my shoes for good measure, I hang my bag on the hook and I almost flinch when Dad walks down the stairs.

 

“Do you know how worried we were? And on top of that, you disrespected me?” he says, we didn't sound mad but I was still scared.

 

“I’m sorry, I just needed a moment of teenage rebellion,” I say looking at my feet. He scoffs “teenage rebellion is throwing a party when we aren’t home, not running out and not telling me where you are going and with who, then sneaking back in and acting like it didn’t happen,” he says sharply.

 

“I said I was sorry, stop making me feel worse” I snap and run to my room. I lock myself in my room them in my closet, I grab a blade then lock myself in my bathroom, I pull off my hoodie and get the gauze, peroxide, and ace wrap ahead of time and attack my right arm with cuts, I lose count after ten and I have tears on my face. I stop when I can't see a cut that isn't bleeding, some rips along my healing cuts, and a small puddle on the floor.

 

I hear pounding on my bedroom door and I rinse my arm in the sink before pouring peroxide on it, I let out a yelp in pain then start wrapping gauze around the wounds. I finish securing that before wrapping ace wrap around it to keep it in place and apply pressure to help close the cuts. I mop up the blood with a wet black rag, I rinse the rag in the sink before ringing it out to dry. I pull on my hoodie and wipe my eyes,

 

“CRYSTAL, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR” I hear dad shout, I unlock all the doors before opening my room door to my dad, he engulfs me in a hug, I freeze. He pulls away and holds my shoulders. I shift away from his touch and head to my desk. I sit down and grab my sketchbook, I flip to a clean page and pick up a charcoal pencil.

 

“Please, talk to me,” he says, I grip my pencil tighter and start drawing, I draw something I don't even want to name, it looked like a skeleton with skin stretched across it and I feel the bile in my throat.

 

“Are you okay?” he asks, I hold my mouth as I almost sprint to my bathroom, I barely make it to the toilet before I puke my stomach contents up, mostly liquids. Dad is right behind me rubbing circles on my back as I throw up.

 

When I finish he helps me stand, I rinse my mouth and then brush my teeth. I walk into my closet and he stands outside the door waiting for me, I take off all my clothes and slip on black elbow gloves, a plain black tank top, and a red skater skirt, I put on my red low top converse and walk out, dad hands me a water bottle and I drink it almost all in one go.

 

“Feel better?” he asks, I shrug and we walk upstairs, once we get there I take my nightly meds and flop onto the couch, Dad calls bandit downstairs and she shows up wearing a black dress and black converse, mom walks down wearing a blue top with a black peasant skirt, a pair of all black vans on her feet.

 

“Everyone ready to go out?” dad asks, I just now realize he is wearing black skinny jeans, black vans, and a red button up over a black tee shirt. “Where are we going?” I ask, putting on my leather jacket, mom was helping bandit put on her jean jacket, while dad grabbed his keys and wallet.

 

“We are going out to eat, it is the one month anniversary of you being clean,” he says, I act surprised, while rubbing my arm.

 

“Oh, that,” I say and we head out to the car. Once we arrive at the restaurant Charlie waves at us from the entrance, he made the reservations, great.


End file.
